How to learn to control yourself in stressful situations. How to learn to manage yourself. How to learn to control yourself. Attitude and emotions

In our difficult time, it is very difficult to be balanced and unperturbed in any situation, to maintain composure, not to explode, not to lose your temper. True, this does not work for everyone and not always. But our breakdowns often have such dire consequences that it is simply necessary to learn to control ourselves.

It was once believed that holding anger, rage, irritation, that is, negative emotions, is unhealthy. Do you remember the time when, according to the recommendations of psychologists, Western employers installed stuffed heads in their offices or purchased inexpensive dishes so that in a fit of emotions they could throw another cup against the wall? The Japanese were the first to use this method of relieving tension and discharging from negativity and seriously believed that this would bring the desired result.

However, time goes by, and research scientists do not stand still. Now psychologists take the opposite position and believe that such measures not only do not bring benefits, but also contribute to an increase in the level of negativity, since the conflict itself is not eliminated. The habit of taking out irritation on foreign objects, for example, breaking dishes or tearing things, increases natural aggressiveness person. Moreover, the further, the more difficult it is for such people to restrain themselves in general, because they are not used to doing this. Intemperance, both in society, at work, and at home, among relatives and friends. leads, ultimately, to a deterioration in relations, and even to a break in general.

The only way out is to learn to remain calm in difficult situations. How to do it? You need to use the advice of specialists specially designed for such cases. The first thing to remember and try to understand in order to apply in life is the basic rule: you cannot change the situation - change your attitude towards it. If you find yourself in a difficult situation, first of all, you need to calm down in order to start thinking constructively. To do this, try to imagine if you will be worried about the same problem in a week, month, year? You will see that as soon as the sharpness subsides, resentment will pass, the whole situation will seem insignificant and not at all as hopeless as you think now.

Be sure to try to find something positive in the current state of affairs. As a rule, it does not happen that one black paint is present, and your task is to look at the situation from all sides. Yes, and, sad to say, but we accumulate life experience most often after experienced stresses, rather than in joys.

Learn to restrain the first impulse, whether it be the desire to express your pain aloud or to leave, slamming the door. Count to yourself at least up to ten and try to keep your breathing calm and even. And at the same time ask yourself the question: is what you want to say now really important, or is it an attempt to reserve the last word? Your silence can extinguish the severity of the situation, while intemperance can inflate the conflict to incredible proportions. Maybe it is worth being above, for example, everyday rudeness, resentment or someone else's bad manners?

In a dispute, a showdown, criticize the phenomenon, not the personality of the person. A conversation on the principle of "the fool himself" will only lead to a dead end. If you are dissatisfied with the situation, do not accumulate irritation, but immediately express your dissatisfaction, but with what does not suit you in this particular case, and do not collect all the insults in a heap. If you feel that the irritation is stronger than you, try postponing the conversation until you calm down. After all, for example, you can tell your husband or girlfriend that you don’t understand each other now, so it’s better to postpone the conversation, and think carefully about the situation yourself.

If you encounter rudeness in public places, for example, in the subway or in a store, do not rush to get involved in a skirmish. In the vast majority of cases, the initiator of the conflict is simply trying to vent anger at others because of his own problems, and his aggression has nothing to do with you personally. Try to mentally isolate yourself from the conflict zone, think about something else, imagine yourself in a different place, pleasant and relaxing.

It is very important to learn how to relax. If you pay attention, then at the moment of your tension and irritation, your muscles also tense up. And scientists have proven that it is more difficult for a relaxed person to get angry. If you are already starting to “boil”, tighten the muscles of your whole body, leaving only your face and neck calm, and then suddenly relax, imagining that you are getting rid of a heavy load. This simple technique will allow you to get rid of stress and take control of emotions.

Take care of yourself and your nervous system. And in the same way, take care of your loved ones, do not allow yourself to be aggressive towards them, or bring into the house all the negativity accumulated during a hard working day. If you respond to irritation and anger in the same way, then the conflict will fall like an avalanche and cover you. If you manage to control yourself, then, after a while, you yourself will understand that you have avoided serious complications.

It is only necessary to have the desire to develop your capabilities in order to learn how to cope with yourself.

Try not to jump to conclusions in any situation. Before making a decision, it is always worth analyzing what is happening. Trying to react quickly to a problem may well be ill-considered and misguided. To learn how to manage yourself, develop the habit of taking deep breaths and counting to ten. This will help you focus on your thoughts and not on your surroundings.

After a short pause, the desire to express your reaction to what is happening may remain. In this situation, you will have to throw out your emotions so that they do not put pressure on you. In addition, anger after a deep breath can quickly disappear, and then no special measures should be taken. The feeling of anger is quite destructive, but it does not have such serious grounds as hatred. Anger manifests itself instantly and can go away just as quickly if you try to put your thoughts in order. Managing spontaneously arising emotions requires the development of the ability to control oneself.

It is very important to pay attention to the moments when you start to panic. Panic covers a person in many situations that do not pose a danger to him. A person can deal with their problems much faster if they simply stop panicking and start solving the problems at hand in order of their priority. To cope with panic, remembering certain information that allows you to solve your problem will help. If you're panicking every time you miss your train or plane, keep a list of essential travel essentials in mind. Panic can be overcome when at least some of the actions are brought to automatism.

The reaction to what is happening should be adequate to the environment around you. During a business meeting, you do not need to show your emotionality, since this is not what is expected of you at all. Once on any holiday, it would be more correct to relax and communicate with people, and not become isolated in your thoughts.

Don't let your mood change drastically, as this will only push other people away from you. A quick change from a good mood to hysteria or aggression can harm you personally. Usually adults control their behavior, as they already have sufficient life experience and are responsible for their actions.

Remember that being depressed or aggressive will not change your life for the better. As a rule, success can be achieved by people who know how to overcome small troubles and are able to control themselves.

You can not hold back emotions, get angry, scream, laugh, cry out loud and resent loudly. Do you think anyone likes such sincerity? Only your enemies enjoy watching this spectacle. Learning to manage emotions!

Sometimes, succumbing to emotions or allowing ourselves to be led by false feelings, we do things that we later regret. At the same time, we make excuses that we have lost control of ourselves, so emotions have taken over the mind. That is, we did not control emotions, but they controlled us.

Is it really that bad? Perhaps there is nothing good in the absence of self-control. People who do not know how to control themselves, maintain self-control and subordinate feelings to their will, as a rule, do not achieve success either in their personal lives or in the professional sphere.

They are not thinking about tomorrow, and their expenses often far exceed their income.

Unrestrained people flare up like a match in any quarrel, unable to stop in time and compromise, which deserves a reputation as a conflict person. At the same time, they also destroy their health: doctors say that many diseases are directly related to such negative emotions as anger, etc. People who value their own peace and nerves prefer to avoid them.

People who are not used to limiting themselves spend too much of their free time in empty entertainment and useless conversations. If they make promises, they themselves are not sure whether they can keep them. It is not surprising that in whatever area they work, they are rarely professionals in their field. And the reason for everything is the lack of self-control.

A developed sense of self-control allows you to keep a cool head in any situation, sober thoughts and an understanding that feelings can turn out to be false and lead to a dead end.

There are situations when we need to hide our emotions in our own interests. “Sometimes I am a fox, sometimes I am a lion,” said the French commander. “The secret… is to know when to be one, when to be different!”

Self-controlled people deserve respect and enjoy authority. On the other hand, they seem to many to be callous, heartless, "insensitive chumps" and ... incomprehensible. Much clearer to us are those who from time to time "indulge in all serious", "breaks down", loses control over themselves and commits unpredictable acts! Looking at them, and we seem to ourselves not so weak. Moreover, it is not so easy to become restrained and strong-willed. So we reassure ourselves that the life of people who are guided by reason, and not by feelings, is bleak, and therefore unhappy.

That this is not so is evidenced by an experiment conducted by psychologists, as a result of which they came to the conclusion: people who can overcome themselves and resist momentary temptation are more successful and happy than those who are not able to cope with emotions.

The experiment is named after Michel Walter, a psychologist at Stanford University. He is also known as the "marshmallow test" because one of his main "heroes" is an ordinary marshmallow.

In an experiment conducted in the 60s of the last century, 653 children of 4 years of age participated. They were led in turn into a room where one marshmallow lay on the table in a plate. Each child was told that he could eat it right now, but if he waited 15 minutes, he would get another one, and then he could eat both. Michelle Walter left the child alone for a few minutes and then returned. 70% of children ate one marshmallow before his return, and only 30 waited for him and got the second one. It is curious that the same percentage was observed during a similar experiment in two other countries where it was conducted.

Michel Walter followed the fate of his wards and after 15 years came to the conclusion that those who at one time did not succumb to the temptation to get “everything and now”, but were able to control themselves, turned out to be more teachable and successful in their chosen areas of knowledge and interests. Thus, it was concluded that the ability to self-control significantly improves the quality of human life.

Itzhak Pintosevich, who is called the "coach of success", argues that those who are not in control of themselves and their actions should forever forget about efficiency.

How to learn to manage yourself

1. Recall the “marshmallow test”

30% of 4-year-olds already knew how. This trait of character was inherited by them "by nature" or this skill was brought up in them by their parents.

Someone said: “Don't raise your children, they will still look like you. Educate yourself." Indeed, we want to see our children restrained, but we ourselves arrange tantrums in front of their eyes. We tell them that they must cultivate willpower in themselves, but we ourselves show weakness of character. We remind you that they must be punctual, and every morning we are late for work.

Therefore, we begin to learn to control ourselves by carefully analyzing our behavior and identifying "weak spots" - where exactly we allow ourselves to "bloom".

2. Components of control

The aforementioned Yitzhak Pintosevich believes that in order for control to be effective, it must include 3 components:

1. Be honest with yourself and have no illusions about yourself;
2. You should control yourself systematically, and not from case to case;
3. Control should be not only internal (when we control ourselves), but also external. For example, we promised to solve the problem in such and such a time. And, in order not to leave ourselves a loophole for retreat, we announce this in the circle of colleagues. If we do not meet the announced time, we pay them a fine. The danger of losing a decent amount will serve as a good incentive in order not to be distracted by extraneous matters.

3. We write down on the sheet the main goals facing us, and put (or hang) it in a prominent place

Every day we monitor how we managed to move towards their implementation.

4. Get your finances in order

We keep loans under control, remember if we have debts that urgently need to be paid off, and reduce the debit to the loan. Our emotional state is quite dependent on the state of our finances. Therefore, the less confusion and problems in this area, the less we will have reasons to "lose our temper."

5. We observe our reaction to events that cause strong emotions in us, and analyze whether they are worth our experiences

We imagine the worst option and understand that it is not as terrible as the consequences of our inadequate and thoughtless behavior.

6. Doing the opposite

We are angry with a colleague, and we are tempted to say “a couple of kind words” to him. Instead, we smile affably and say a compliment. If we felt offended that another employee was sent to the conference instead of us, we don’t get angry, but we rejoice for him and wish him a happy journey.

From the very morning we were overcome by laziness, and - turn on the music, and take up some business. In a word, we act contrary to what our emotions tell us.

7. A famous phrase says: we cannot change circumstances, but we can change our attitude towards them.

We are surrounded by different people, and not all of them are friendly and fair to us. We cannot be upset and indignant every time we meet someone else's envy, anger, rudeness. We must come to terms with what we cannot influence.

8. The best assistant in mastering the science of self-control is meditation

As physical exercise develops the body, so meditation trains the mind. Through daily meditation sessions, one can learn to avoid negative emotions, not to succumb to passions that interfere with a sober look at circumstances and can destroy life. With the help of meditation, a person plunges into a state of calm and achieves harmony with himself.