home Botany Ever since I was a child, I feel like I'm useless. I feel redundant. Working on positive relationships

Ever since I was a child, I feel like I'm useless. I feel redundant. Working on positive relationships

I feel unwanted at work. Advise me how to live on. If not for the family, everything would have seemed even gloomier.

Work for me was always more than just earnings. It has always been and remains important to do things that people really need.

After graduation, everything was great. I got a good job almost immediately in a bank (I graduated from the university in 1994 in St. Petersburg - devastation, unemployment, returned to my native Pskov). Started working as an ordinary programmer. Two years later, I had two very popular programs under my belt, implementation in all regional branches of the bank. in the IT department, I became the head of the development sector. In 1998 I was invited to Moscow to an IT company developing banking software. And again success. Wrote one very demanded program in a rather short period of time. Implementations, improvements, business trips around the country, etc. After a couple of years of work in the company, there was another opportunity to prove myself - they offered to write a large and important program. I took it. He worked hard and hard. A year later, the first result appeared. Three more years of improvements, implementations, and the product began to take on finished forms. Apparently, this was the peak of my career. This is around 2003. The program went into circulation - several very large and many small banks installed my application in five years. It was a necessary and very good product. Of course, his team did. A group of like-minded people. But I was the main driving force. Further - the next five years, only improvements. Nothing new. In the end, I began to worry - I realized that time was passing, I was standing still, there was no progress, no development. All conversations with management led to nothing. In words - yes, we will move, we will change. In business, everything is still the same. Time worked against me. I left. He left for new knowledge, skills, abilities. I thought so at the time. I left with mixed feelings - like from my own home. The people with whom I worked so much together were dearer to me than many relatives. The management encouraged me to stay. Offered good money. They must have had plans for me. But I still left. Gone into the unknown.

Since 2009, he has already changed 2 jobs. I don't like anywhere. 1st - a joint Russian-Swedish company. On the one hand, there are many wonderful people with whom I still support good relationship on the other hand, leadership. Rudeness and outright exploitation. I worked there for a year and a half, gave up and left. I don't regret leaving this. 2nd (i.e. current) work - everything is sooooo complicated. On the one hand - a top company, a stable white salary, a highly professional, young team ( average age up to 30 years old), charged for the success of teamwork. There is something to learn. Very friendly atmosphere. On the other hand - almost a complete vacuum - I'm ashamed to say, but for all this time I have not found friends. There are a lot of people I meet every day and, practically, there are no contacts. Frankly, this is the most annoying thing. Perhaps the difference in the level of training, intelligence and age affects. I am now a cog in a big bureaucratic machine.

I have a paradoxical situation - chasing new technologies and knowledge, I crossed out my fifteen years of experience. It turns out that in those matters that I am now cooking, I am no more than a junior with the age of a retired programmer. Even worse, I feel like I'm taking someone else's place. Thinking about another job change. The inner voice stops - you need to change yourself, not the environment. But I can't change myself. Looking back, I see that I used to take on a lot, preferred teamwork - personal success. Now it's hitting me the other way.

IM 42 years old. Married. Daughter, 10 years old. I live and work in Moscow. I work as a programmer in a top IT company. Graduated from St. Petersburg Shipbuilding University in 1994. Born in Pskov in 1970.

Hello. I'm 27 years old and I've felt unwanted all my life. including parents. I've never had a relationship. at 27, I didn't even have a sexual experience. and, to be honest, I have already measured myself and I think that it will always be like this. The guys never looked after me, no one sought. maximum I liked, like dozens of other girls at the same time. before, if the guys showed attention, I invested more in the development of relationships. something she came up with. ended up being alone. the guy loved the other, and I was as a vest. or met in parallel with someone else. recent years 2 I generally excluded guys from my life. I have learned to live without them. I'm tired of being used forever. Moreover, if I do not like to communicate, I stop communication. I couldn't afford this before. I like myself. I live, I travel, I read books. I don't understand why this is the situation.
second problem. I have a sister. since adolescence, all I hear is how friends of parents and parents praise only my sister. what a beauty she is. like I don't exist. it's a shame. I consider myself beautiful. I don't understand why my sister is better than me. but against this background, I lose confidence in myself. When I live alone, I feel much better. self-esteem rises. It turns out that in order to feel good, I need not to see any of them. I exclude them just as much as the guys who don't like me. but the very thought oppresses me that I am good only when she is not around. If she shows up, I'll be a schmuck that no one cares about. it was a matter of guys seeing her switched to her. so I think so. sometimes, when we sleep in a room, parents only look at it as they pass. I have already begun to bury myself in a blanket so that I can’t be seen at all. like I'm not there. it doesn't seem so embarrassing. I don't have breakfast/lunch with them. I am not in the same room when we are all together. I don't want to be compared and hear how beautiful she is. I have an inferiority complex. I don't go anywhere with them. I don't want it for her birthday. I am moving away from my family. not to feel pain. I'm pretty on the outside. maybe not as noticeable as my sister (due to her height and figure, she stands out) but I don’t want to be a shadow. I take care of myself. pretty. but I feel like nobody needs me. how to deal with it? this feeling doesn't leave me
I am short. Maybe height plays a role. sister on the shoulder.

Psychologists Answers

Hello Lola!

You should relax - often, when a person lets go of the situation and stops wanting something too much, everything magically comes to him. In the book of Anna Prikhozhan "The Psychology of a Loser - Self-Confidence Training" there is practical exercises how to learn to say no. Only you don't just read them - you do them.

Wisdom to you and the right choice!

I consult via Skype. Belova Lyubov, psychologist/psychotherapist

Good answer 1 bad answer 0

Hello Lola. It's good that you wrote about your situation and boldly shared your thoughts and feelings, albeit anonymously, but this is one of those important steps towards your desired state.

You lack recognition from your parents... did you tell them about it? Did you tell them that you want to be praised like your sister? Or talked about your feelings with them? The point is not only that they will answer you, the main thing is that you say this, you will become much clearer about your attitude towards them and towards yourself. I think it will be exactly what is connected with your need for what you can get or not get, while remaining satisfied with everything that surrounds you, as new opportunities for seeing the situation will open before you, your world will become larger and your choice accordingly!

You write about a problem in relationships with guys and that the second problem is your sister ... if you talk like that, then you can be offended by almost anything and for anything, you understand that your sister is not to blame for being praised. Second - You will be fine with guys when you allow yourself to make a choice and remember that you should not judge everything and everyone only by bad experience. Experience is what experience is for, in order to learn from the past, making the necessary actions and choices in the present, for a happier future.

Have you heard of the law of attraction? What you think is what you attract. Come to the appointment, we will write you at the neural level the script that you would like.

Sotnik Dmitry Mikhailovich, psychologist in Almaty

Good answer 2 bad answer 0

My name is Nikita, I'm 16 years old, I have no friends, I also have social phobia, I'm not talkative, I've never had a girlfriend or friends, I'm always alone at school and it's very difficult for me to start conversations, I just feel like I'm not needed by anyone , I don’t know who else to turn to, tell me as a specialist, what should I do?

Gimbarr

Gimbarr, hello! You did the right thing by asking for help. This is the first step to helping yourself.
Please tell us about your family: with whom do you live? Do you have both parents? What is your relationship with them? Where do your parents work?
What are you interested in, interested in? Do you read, if so, what, what are your favorite books? Do you watch movies?
You wrote that you had no friends. What about friends and acquaintances? Is there anyone you would single out or interact with more than others? Tell me, please?
How do you study? Do you like it? What items do you like and what don't you like? Do you play sports or have you done before? Have you thought about what you are going to do after graduation?
Describe yourself, what are you, what is your character, appearance? What do you value in yourself?
Click to reveal...

I live with my parents, with my mom and dad, we have a good relationship, I’m not particularly fond of anything, I used to box for about 5 years, but I quit because I got tired, I don’t read. I have acquaintances, but I communicate with them by type:
-Hey
-How are you?
-Till
I am a secondary student, I don’t like school, I thought about what I would do in life, but I can’t decide, even approximately. I also have a complex about my appearance, I don’t seem to be ugly, but I have a complex. I don't see any particular advantages. In general, I feel that it will not be easy for me in this life.

Gimbarr

Olesya Verevkina

Nikita, hello! Do not worry, the psychologist has started working with you and will definitely answer as soon as the opportunity arises)

Gimbarr, what about your appearance makes you feel insecure? Why did you quit boxing?

You didn't answer all my questions, for example, about what your parents do.

Can you describe your typical day? When do you wake up?.. Who wakes you up? Or maybe you get up yourself? Do they serve you breakfast? How much time do you spend at school? What do you do after class? How are the evenings in your family? Tell us more about your father and mother, what are they like? What are their characters? Which parent do you look more like? Do you have grandparents? Do you communicate with them? Who in your family loves you the most, in your opinion?

Can you write your happiest childhood memory? What period is it from? Before school? Junior classes? High school?..

I also ask you to write two more of any most memorable childhood memories.

I need to know more about you in order to understand how I can help you.

A feeling of insecurity causes short stature, a face. I quit boxing because I was just tired of it, the desire to walk disappeared, I don’t even know why. Mom does not work, and dad is a car mechanic. I wake up at 11 o'clock, I get up by myself, I never have breakfast, I spend 7 hours at school. After school, I usually play computer games and occasionally ride a bike. In the evening I sit in my room and my parents in theirs. Mom is very impulsive, sometimes very kind, and sometimes very angry, dad is strict, but fair, in my opinion, I'm more like my mother. Only 1 grandmother remained, I see her very rarely, maybe. I don’t really like her, because she treats me like a 5-year-old lisp and so on. I feel like my mom loves me more. The happiest event was that they bought me a dog, I was 12 years old then, I was also happy when I first went to boxing, when I was little, my family and I often went to the sea, and this always made me very happy.

Gimbarr

Nikita, who do you look like in the family? Are the men in your family the same height as you or different from you? Did I understand correctly that you have no brothers and sisters?

You wrote that you wake up at 11 and never have breakfast. Is it customary in your family to eat together? Your mother is a housewife, I understand. Does she cook well? Do you and your parents gather at a common table in the evenings, on weekends? How does your family spend the holidays? Do you go somewhere together?

How would you describe the relationship between your parents? They love each other? Are there conflicts? You wrote that mom can be very kind or very angry. Can you give an example of both?

Do you still have the dog you were given for 12 years? If so, tell us more about her, please: what breed is she, gender, what does she look like, how do you spend time with her?

About your passion for boxing: how many years did you go to it? What worked? What success has been achieved? Have you been to competitions, fought for victories? Did you have a specific trainer? How was your relationship with him? When you attended boxing, did you have any relationship with any of your fellow sportsmen?

Of all the people with whom you had to communicate in your life, to whom did you have the warmest feelings? You can also write about three people in your life, which made the greatest impression on you? It can be your friends or just famous people about which you have heard them read.

Outwardly, I look more like dad, my character is like mom, I don’t have brothers and sisters, I never wanted to, I just hate children, I don’t know why, but they are disgusting. It is customary for us to have dinner together, but I prefer to retire to my room and have dinner there. Mom cooks very tasty, we spend the holidays in the family circle, in the summer my parents and their friends go fishing every weekend, and I stay at home, because I feel uncomfortable in the company of other people. Relations with the parent seem to be good, they quarrel about once a month and after a couple of days everything is fine again. Mom can tell me how much she loves me, but in a minute she can yell at me because of a trifle, for example, I didn’t make the bed. Yes, I still have a dog, the breed of that terrier, a boy, his name is Kuzya, he is small and red, I spend time like other people, I play with him, walk, feed him.
I started going to boxing in 2010 because I was offended at school, it turned out pretty well, I went to competitions, I have medals, certificates and 2 cups. I took first place 3 times in my city and 2 times 3rd place in the country and many more different places, I really liked going to it, but then the spark seemed to disappear, I just lost the desire to go to it. My coach was stern but very good, he explained everything in detail and I almost immediately began to succeed, I had no relations with my comrades, we could just say hello, but no more. No one has ever impressed me, I am neutral towards other people, I just do not pay attention to anything.

Gimbarr

Gimbarr, how did your parents react to the fact that you left boxing? Did the coach try to influence your decision?

What class are you currently graduating from? Do you have exams or are you already on vacation? What subjects are best in studies?

You mentioned that your father is an auto mechanic. Has he ever shown you any of his work? Are you interested in machines or other mechanisms at all? Do you like to understand devices, to make something?

How did your passion for cycling start in your life?

You wrote in the first post that you have social phobia. Did you decide this yourself or did someone tell you about it? As a child, as you mentioned, you went to the sea with your parents, and you always liked it. Until what age did you travel like this? Did you play with peers there? What do you remember from that period?

Mom and the latter asked him not to quit boxing, dad too, the coach didn’t give a damn. I finished the 10th grade, now it's a vacation, no subjects are given to me easier than others, they are all the same for me. Dad sometimes drags me into the garage and I help him, but I'm not interested at all. I liked tinkering until the age of 12, I constantly carved something out of wood, made various crafts, but then it all went away. One day I was on YouTube and saw guys riding stunt bikes, I liked it and I asked my parents to buy me such a bike, I have been riding for 3 years, but there is almost no success. I myself decided on the account of social phobia, since I constantly feel uncomfortable around other people, I am constantly embarrassed to say something to people, even when I am in the store it is not convenient for me to talk with the seller. The trips were up to 12 years old, then everything stopped, I don’t know why, but we stopped going there, we constantly rented the same house, there was a boy Sasha next door, we sometimes crossed paths and walked with him, but it seems to me that he walked with me from hopelessness, since there were no other boys nearby. There are no special memories from that period, I just remember that I played in the sand, swam and sometimes, very rarely, played outdoor games with Sasha.

Gimbarr

Gimbarr, can you remember the moment when you decided that you didn't want to go to boxing anymore? How did it happen? You woke up one day and suddenly realized that you were not interested? Quit right away? Or did it happen gradually, and each time it was less and less enjoyable? Was there an event that caused your loss of interest?

You haven't boxed in about a year, right? How would you say yourself: did you leave at the peak of your form, or after you felt that it was getting worse?

Did you know about stunt bikes even before you left boxing? Are you trying to learn tricks yourself? Have you tried looking for communities of interest, for example, on the Internet? Do you know places in your city where guys with the same bikes train?

If you have no preference for subjects at school, how would you rate your level of preparation, for example, in mathematics? You will soon take the exam, how ready do you feel for it? Which subjects do you think would be easier for you to pass?

You have a good level of literacy, judging by your texts, while you say that you do not read. Usually, people who did not read as children do not have a very good command of the language. But you can't say that about you. Maybe you have read before?

Do you listen to music? If yes, which one do you like more? Do you love cinema?

I quit boxing for about a month, there was a regular training, suddenly I just realized that I didn’t want to walk anymore, nothing happened in my life, I just lost interest in walking. I left at the peak of my form, everything worked out for me, I won prizes, everything was great, I don’t know why, but I left. They bought me a bike when I was still not training, I watched a lot of training videos, communities and other things. There is a park in the city specifically for such bikes, but I can’t go there, there are other guys there, I can’t communicate with them, I feel uncomfortable, I would rather ride myself than be in the park with other guys. I feel not ready for the exam, I think that it will be easier for me to pass the Russian language and mathematics. I really never read, literacy probably from school. I listen to different music: from Russian rock to foreign electronic.

The Privacy Policy explains how the information you provide to me is used and how to contact me if you have questions or concerns.

1. What information do we need?

If you choose to subscribe to an information product hosted on our site, we will ask you for information such as your name and email address. This is explained by the following considerations. We regularly prepare up-to-date information products (both paid and a large number of free) information marketing on the Internet. Your interest in a particular information product suggests that other information marketing products on the Internet and other topics may be of interest and useful to you. In order to inform you about these products and provide you with access to them, we need to send you an information letter. In addition, we may conduct a survey to find out your opinion about our products, as well as your wishes. Before you provide us with someone else's personal data, be sure to obtain the permission of the persons concerned. Make sure you provide correct and accurate information.

3. Who else gets access to personal information?

To carry out the mailing, we use the mailing list service justclick.ru. This service processes your personal information(i.e. e-mail and the name you provided) so that I can send you an email with access to the product of your choice or inform you about new relevant information marketing products on the Internet, or conduct a survey to identify information in which you need. In exceptional circumstances, we may disclose your personal information if required to do so by law or in order to protect ourselves and others from illegal activities or other dangers.

4. Identification files (cookies)

Our website contains cookies, so-called cookies. Cookies are small text files that are sent to a website visitor's computer to keep track of their activities. Cookies are used on my site to personalize visit counts, study the behavior of visitors on the site and record their actions. You can disable the use of cookies in your browser settings. Please note, however, that in this case some functions will not be available or may not work correctly.

5. Security

We take reasonable steps to minimize the possibility of loss, theft, misuse, unauthorized access to, destruction, alteration or disclosure of your personal information. At the same time, we cannot guarantee that the risk of unauthorized misuse of personal information will be completely eliminated. We kindly ask you to carefully approach the storage of passwords to accounts and not to disclose them to anyone else (in case we are talking about products containing access passwords). Contact us immediately if you become aware of any violation information security(for example, unauthorized use of your password).

6. Children

We fully share the concerns of parents regarding the use of personal information about their children. We urge all visitors under the age of 18 to obtain parental or guardian permission before providing any personal information. We do not knowingly collect information about children. If I become aware that I have received personal information about a child under the age of 14.

Newsletter Consent

As part of all our projects, my team and I provide you with a large number of useful bonus materials. In return, in most cases, we ask you to leave your contact details. Below I will explain how this data can be used, from the moment you agree to receive our newsletters. Leaving your contact details, you accept that we can use them both independently (within the framework of the privacy policy), and together with our partners, with your prior consent. We do not share your personal data without your consent.

The following is a list of all types of possible use of your contact data, both requiring and not requiring separate consent on your part, but relevant by default, from the moment the contacts enter our database.

At the time you submit your data, you agree to:

To use your data to inform you about all our projects, including those implemented jointly with a third party, as well as to organize the process of your participation in the implementation of these projects.
To provide your contacts to companies working on our behalf (according to the official agreement).
To use your contacts in our subsidiaries and joint ventures. In other words, in companies where at least 50% of our equity participation. At the same time, we undertake to conclude an additional non-disclosure agreement with these companies.
To use your data in partner projects, or projects that are positioned for us as joint projects. In this case, you will be notified of the use, which will take place in accordance with the privacy policy of the partner site.
When selling our business, as in this case we reserve the right to transfer the entire business to the new owner, together with the client base.

Whether or not you have given your consent, we may use your data upon request. public services, as well as for the purpose of protecting and preventing illegal actions in the manner prescribed by applicable law.

In any case, at your first request (including by clicking the "unsubscribe" button). Your data will be excluded from our current database without the right to resume mailing unless you retransmit your contact details to us.

Sincerely, Tatyana Bakhtiozina

Terms and Conditions of Service

1. Copyright

It is not allowed to transfer training handouts to third parties, as well as to replicate and distribute these materials without the consent of the administration of this site.

3. Terms of payment

Payment for goods and services is made through the payment systems 2checkout, assist or rbkmoney.

Payment by bank cards is made by redirecting to the website of the electronic payment system 2checkout (www.2co.com) or Assist (www.assist.ru). In the ASSIST system, payment security is ensured by using the SSL protocol to transfer confidential information from the client to the ASSIST system server for further processing. Further transfer of information is carried out through closed banking networks of the highest degree of protection. The collection and processing of the received confidential data of the client (card details, registration data, etc.) is carried out in the processing center, and not on the seller's website. Thus, Oleg Goryacho's store cannot receive the customer's personal and banking data, including information about his purchases made in other stores. To protect information from unauthorized access at the stage of transmission from the client to the server of the ASSIST system, the SSL 3.0 protocol is used, the server certificate (128 bit) is issued by Thawte, a recognized center for issuing digital certificates. You can verify the authenticity of the server certificate.

4. Order and terms of delivery of goods

The goods will be sent within three days from the receipt of money to the account of Tatyana Bakhtiozina. Information about the time and place of the trainings will be provided when registering and paying for the corresponding training by a personal manager by phone and by e-mail.

All trainings are provided in an electronic format available for download.

5. Our guarantee

If, after receiving the training product, for some reason you did not achieve the desired result, then we will refund your money in full.

The period during which you can use this opportunity is 30 days from the date of payment for the distance training product. To make a refund, you will need to state the reason for the return and return to us all handouts (text materials, audio, video) in their original form (without mechanical damage) received on delivery and / or within the specified period.

When paying for an order with a bank card, the refund is made to the card from which the payment was made.

This warranty is valid only once. If you took advantage of this guarantee, then, unfortunately, we are no longer suitable for each other. Do not count on any communication or cooperation in the future. Also, do not buy courses again, we will not refund any more money!

6. Contact details

Any questions can be sent to

It doesn't matter where you feel left out (at a party, at a meeting, or at school), it's hard to come to terms with feeling rejected. It is difficult for everyone to bear the feeling of their uselessness. Scientists have found that feeling rejected by society affects the same area of the brain as physical pain. It's not easy to be superfluous, but there are ways to deal with this feeling. You should learn to deal with this feeling, develop relationships with people and learn more about social rejection.

Steps

How to deal with feelings

Accept yourself and the situation. People with low self-esteem react extremely painfully to the rejection of communication. If you learn to accept yourself as you are, you will be able to increase self-esteem and reduce the degree of influence of emotions.

Self-acceptance is possible if you are not afraid to assess your strengths and weaknesses and accept everything that you have without trying to change yourself instantly.
Tell yourself this: "I accept myself. I was unwanted, but that's okay. I'm ready to accept what happened. I can survive it."

Ever since I was a child, I feel like I'm useless. I feel redundant. Working on positive relationships

Psychologists Answers

1. What information do we need?

3. Who else gets access to personal information?

4. Identification files (cookies)

5. Security

6. Children

Newsletter Consent

At the time you submit your data, you agree to:

Terms and Conditions of Service

1. Copyright

3. Terms of payment

4. Order and terms of delivery of goods

5. Our guarantee

6. Contact details

Steps

How to deal with feelings

Working on positive relationships

Reasons for rejection by society

Warnings

Sources