Quit Drinking Stories. What problems do former alcoholics face? He swore and swore that this was the last time. That it's just the stress of the last few months. I believed. But it was impossible to believe. This is how hell began

A noisy company is merrily clapping and laughing next to one of the houses in Chelyabinsk. It seems that they have a meeting of classmates or, say, old friends. They smoke, they talk, they hug. At a quarter to six, everyone climbs the steps of a nondescript office on the outskirts. They are alcoholics.

"I have seen hell with my own eyes"

"My name is Sasha. I'm an alcoholic,” one of the company begins the conversation.

“Hi, Sasha,” the rest of them answered in chorus, seated in a circle, as in American films about meetings with psychotherapists.

Sasha is forty years old. He is dressed in a warm jacket, stylish jeans and expensive, but not light shoes for winter. Alexander speaks clearly and calmly, as if talking about a football match:
“I started working early, by the age of 25 I had almost everything: money, an apartment in the North, a position as a foreman, a car. I got tired, froze, got bored, began to drink "from the exhaustion". Then more, after a few years of hard drinking, skipped work, I was fired. Then came the white fever. I don't know how many times, maybe 5-6. I do not remember. I coded, swore to myself and others that I didn’t drink anymore, held on for a couple of months, broke down again, “sewn up”, got drunk. "White fever" is not the worst thing. It was terrible when they injected me with something, but I still drank it. All the muscles began to twist, the pain was such that I drank, drank, drank. I have seen hell with my own eyes. Since then I have not drunk. Eleven years. I work, my son is growing.

"Thank you, I'm sober today"

I am Vika. I am an alcoholic.

Hey Vika.

A blue-eyed girl of about twenty-five in a pink sweater and branded sports trousers says that she has not been drinking for 5 years. By twenty, she was an alcoholic and a drug addict. It all started, like many: I went to clubs with friends. I couldn't imagine how you could go out dancing without having a drink. They offered "what is more interesting", did not refuse. Then there was a quarrel with his parents, who were kicked out of the house, two unsuccessful attempts to open his own veins, parting with his beloved, "who does not need a complete drug addict." Vika came here just like that, because there was nowhere to go and nothing to think about. The first time I went to meetings.

But she continued to drink. There is only one law here: if you have drunk today, you can come to the meeting and listen to others, but you yourself do not speak. “Thank you, I’m sober today,” Victoria ends her story.

“The key word here is today,” they whisper in my ear. No one promises: I will never drink again. Can you not drink for 24 hours? Certainly can. Here, do it! And then another 24 hours.

Twelve Steps to Sobriety

The bell is ringing. This is a symbol, for someone of a new life, for others it is just the beginning of a discussion of another topic. A pretty curly blonde is leading the meeting: “My name is Tanya, I am an alcoholic. Today we will discuss how to fill the spiritual emptiness.

“Hi, Tanya,” a harmonious chorus of voices is heard. Tatyana passes a heavy object resembling an egg in shape to Egor sitting next to him. This is another symbol, a tradition alcoholics anonymous- so everyone is given the opportunity to speak, in turn. You can refuse by passing the stone to a neighbor. Egor says that today he will only listen, and now the stone is already in the hands of a young girl who has arrived from Miass (a city 100 km from Chelyabinsk - ed.).

This stone is passed from hand to hand, you can speak when you hold it, then you give it to your neighbor. Photo: AiF / Nadezhda Uvarova

“When I stopped drinking, I thought everything would be fine with me right away,” squeezing in my hand ballpoint pen Gulya starts confidently. Gulya has beautiful long black hair, an expensive phone and a wedding ring on her finger. But it didn't get better, only worse. Evening came, I was bored and lonely, there was absolutely nothing to do. Before, I would run to the store, buy beer and fish. I gnawed, drank, you look - and it's already morning, but now it's impossible. I'm still at the fourth level, it's hard for me. The only thing that saves is helping others. When I see that someone needs it, it becomes easier, really. A girl called me today. I persuaded her to come to the meeting the next Monday, she said “yes”, I explained that I was not her mother and not her boss, I was just like her, an alcoholic. And that we need to meet and talk.

Gulya clutches a pen in her hands and leans on the table, she gets nervous when she remembers the past. Photo: AiF / Nadezhda Uvarova

Maria, a participant in the meeting, explains the meaning of treatment to me: the system of rehabilitation of anonymous alcoholics is based on 12 steps of recovery. It is impossible to explain them in a few words, but one must understand that it is not tied to either religion or psychology. Although everyone here has their own God and their own system life values. The last step is "aerobatics": "I got out myself - help another." That is why they travel at their own expense, without any sponsorship, to correctional colonies. She says, in her opinion, alcoholics among convicts - 80-90 percent. Lion's share. Absolute majority. If I had been sober, I might not have stolen. And he didn't even kill him.

wedge wedge

I'm Vera, I'm an alcoholic.

Hello Vera.

“When I stopped drinking, I ran into a problem - what to do with myself,” says a young girl Vera. - There was one extreme, I hit the other. Obsessed with shopping and beauty. She took loans, did not get out of shops and beauty salons. It seemed to me that since I don’t drink, I should immediately be the most beautiful and expensively dressed. Things brought me nothing but material problems. And I realized that I needed to somehow develop, live, went to church, began to look around, it turns out that there are interesting people, because I was closed in myself and obsessed with my loneliness. I began to make friends with people, to apologize to those whom I offended. And I was very surprised how I didn’t notice this before: people began to treat me well, forgave everyone I offended, smiled at me, loved me. Thank you, thanks to you I'm sober today.

They do not want to show their faces, not because they are ashamed of alcoholism, but because they are afraid to break loose, then it will be doubly ashamed. Photo: AiF / Nadezhda Uvarova

The word "former" is not used here.

The meeting lasts exactly one hour. This is reminiscent of the hourglass on the table at the presenter. Each participant speaks for no more than 5 minutes. “It’s my birthday today,” says a middle-aged woman dressed in black, “I haven’t drunk for exactly 7 years and 7 months.”

Everyone congratulates her. Someone kisses on the cheek, another shakes hands, the third just touches his fingers to the palm.

The word "former" is not used here. They are alcoholics forever. Everyone starts their speech with this statement. And this is another law: to admit that you are an alcoholic and that alcoholism is not an addiction, not the fate of the weak, but a disease. And she needs to be treated.

They have no sponsors and leaders. All positions, such as an asset and a chairman, are elected. No entrance fees - voluntary donations are collected for various booklets, office rent, tea and coffee with cookies. On the table next to the clock is a box for them. Someone puts fifty rubles, someone a trifle, another five hundred.

A donation box, a candle, a watch, and a bell are all you need for an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. Photo: AiF / Nadezhda Uvarova

What else to strive for?

I'm Irina, I'm an alcoholic.

Hello Irina.

Irina never had financial problems. This is another category of alcoholics, people of the "middle class", wealthy, managers and owners of companies, practicing doctors, teachers. Those who have achieved a lot in life do not know what else to strive for, they work hard, get tired, and are treated at home with vodka or expensive whiskey.

Irina started drinking with her husband. Her son was addicted to drugs. I drank a lot, binge drinking, quit my job, quarreled with my husband. Then serious health problems began: neurodermatitis, alcoholic hepatosis. She looked sixty at forty. The husband-drinking companion interfered with his drunken conversations, got behind the wheel, bought vodka and drink at the kiosk, left aimlessly, drank, got into the car and drove home. When the stomach, liver and intestines began to hurt so much that she could not get up without drinking to dull the pain, she admitted to herself: “I am an alcoholic.”

Irina has not been drinking for 8 years, but she tries not to miss meetings: she, like everyone else here, is an alcoholic, not a former one, but simply not drinking now, cured. The husband does not want to help himself, they broke up a long time ago, he continues to drink, no matter how hard Irina struggles. But the son of drug addiction is cured. He is almost healthy. “I understand him,” says the slender well-groomed woman. “I am not afraid of drug addicts and I can communicate with them, help, trust.”

For leaflets, business cards and booklets, money is collected from everyone who donates how much. Photo: AiF / Nadezhda Uvarova

"Sobriety should be happy"

The presenter points to the clock: the meeting time is over. Everyone stands in a circle. They hold hands, say a prayer. Everyone turns to his God - such as he sees him himself. Having stopped drinking, Irina says, it is difficult to overcome one's ego: “I indulged myself, I'm bored - I'll drink, I'm reluctant to get out - I drink and wash windows. Sobriety should be happy, otherwise why stop drinking? And that is why everyone needs to find something that is higher and stronger than his ego. According to our system, it is God. We pray, but it has nothing to do with religion as such. Everyone has their own concept of God.

Nobody is in a hurry to go home. Everyone goes to the next room, where there is tea, coffee, cookies and disposable mugs. They talk, someone invites the meeting participants to visit, the other asks for help setting up Skype. Girls brag about purchased dresses. Three women are planning tomorrow's trip: in Beloretsk, the anniversary of the same society of anonymous alcoholics, two years of organization, and they go there, to friends in Bashkiria, to congratulate. At your own expense, of course.

Elena offered to give me a ride home. She has a new white foreign car and barely noticeable makeup. Elena is an engineer by education, deputy director of a large company. The last ten years. Prior to that, after the death of her husband, she drank deeply. She worked as a janitor, ate what she found in the garbage dumps. She says that's why she went to work - s, drunk - if only there was an opportunity to collect bottles and cans - for vodka or alcohol. At work, the past does not hide, but does not advertise. She lives with her mother and doesn't drink at all. Neither on New Year, not for a birthday. No champagne, no wine. This is another law - do not drink a single gram of alcohol.

The office walls are decorated with nature paintings. Photo: AiF / Nadezhda Uvarova

“Come to us again,” we say goodbye to Elena. “We’re not talking about drinking, but about life in general.”

Surprisingly, this is true. I did not hear advice on how not to drink, stop, gathering willpower into a fist. “It's like a club,” Elena laughs, “friends in misfortune who survived hellish hell. Drunkenness is a global problem, in the country they drink themselves to death by factories. After all, even narcologists come to us, they treat themselves for alcoholism, having lost faith in traditional medicine. There is no difference between an oligarch and a hard worker. Although not everyone recovers: one must very much want to be cured.

I know firsthand about the problem of female alcoholism. My mother was an alcoholic. In her youth, she and her father after work or on the weekend, like most people, liked to drink a little beer. Then gradually the amount of alcohol increased, especially on holidays. After my mother gave birth to me, at that time she was 29 years old, she went to work (I was 4 months old) and got into the women's team, where they often drank alcohol. She did not notice how she became dependent on alcohol. She started drinking all the time, and then drinking heavily.

It is impossible to convey in words what it is like to live in a family of alcoholics (later, the father also began to drink heavily with his mother). While my grandfather was alive, his parents were a little afraid of him and hid, did not drink water in the open. But after his death, utter horror began. But today I don't want to talk about it. At 48, my mother died. As far as I can remember, she did not have all her teeth, she looked terrible, much older than her years, although she was quite young.

I had a friend as a child. After school, the connection broke off, but then when I returned home and gave birth to a child, we began to communicate again. In the end, we decided to take her godfather. After that, we were friends for about a year, then stopped, as she tied her fate with a man who was against her communication with our family, that is, with me and my husband. Now she comes mostly only to wish the child a happy birthday. It was a small introduction, and now the story itself on the topic of female alcoholism.

Kuma began to drink. Not just to drink alcohol on holidays, but to drink almost everyone can go into a binge. Sometimes I meet her, since she lives nearby, she is always rushing from the fumes. She got really scary. Her face is red and swollen, all in some kind of pimples, which she does not even try to fight. The hair is long, but not well-groomed, dirty, greasy so much that it immediately catches the eye. The front teeth are all black. She is only 27 years old, but she looks 40 years old. My husband once saw her from afar, did not recognize her, says what kind of aunt she is.

She has a 4 year old child. The daughter is now mostly taken care of by her mother. The girl never leaves her grandmother's side. Both the godfather and her husband just do not work anywhere, they are provided by her mother, but at the same time they find funds for alcohol. I feel very sorry for her child. She's so young and already an alcoholic. Horror is simple. The man himself ruined his life.

But they constantly envy us that we either bought a car or did repairs. But we are striving for a better life. To be honest, I have some sort of, probably, fear of alcohol addiction. There is no way I will let my children go through what I once did. Although they say, do not promise. At least I will do my best to do so.

YURI: Hello everyone! I'm Yuri, a former alcoholic from St. Petersburg. If someone is unable to break out of the alcorism and needs support, we can also communicate through the microphone. Do not be shy, I will be glad if I can support.
If someone tells you that there are no former alcoholics, do not believe it, this is a widespread myth. I decided to write the history of my alcoholism from the very beginning. And it started in childhood...

ALINA: I want to tell you about my love affair with alcohol. Thanks to him, my third marriage is already crumbling!!!)) marriage. They drank together with their first husband, drank only beer, did not look at the degrees. Five seven liters on weekends and 3-4 liters on weekdays. We lived for 10 years and somehow we managed to stop at the end of the marriage, or rather, I almost succeeded. I quit and my husband drank two liters every day, but in a smaller dose. And then my friend from Moscow arrives and ... I went into the lead. The result. A fight with her husband, a tantrum and a divorce ...

TITO: Breaking alcohol addiction. My experience.
Last used - from 23 to 25.09.2016.
On a strict schedule. In the morning, everything that is on fire. Until the shutdown. On Mon 26.09 I felt like a deflated ball, penetrated in one place. I began to come to myself only by Thu 29.09.
All these days knocked out of life, games. Systematic use makes it impossible to achieve goals. Unfortunately, any technique leads to a rigid scheme ...

INGA: Good morning! I don’t even know where to start… apparently I have come to the point that I realize and understand that I need help and support. I always thought that I could handle everything on my own, but apparently this is not the case. I am 33, daughters 1.6. I didn’t drink the whole pregnancy, very rarely wine. As a child, my father drank heavily. My addiction started at 26, but there were no binges. Things got worse after giving birth. Of course, I can refer to post-hearth depression, but I'm afraid that by doing so I am only trying to justify ...

ROMAN: Hello! My name is Roman, I am 47 years old, I live in Moscow and I consider myself an alcoholic. To be honest, such a social status categorically does not suit me !!
My story is banal, but not yet solved, and therefore I come to you for help ...
I'll start my mess with a positive. I have a family, two children (girls 21 years old and 6 years old, I love them very much), a wonderful wife, by the way, who rarely drinks. Things are going well overall! You have your own comfortable housing and your own business…

VLADIMIR: Hello. I’m 24 years old, my story is like this ... It all started at the age of 13, after school I liked to drink a bottle of beer with my classmates, but there was no big craving, we only drank in the spring when it was warm, in winter no one thought about beer .At the age of 14, I tried vodka for the first time, plus polished it with beer, after that I thought that I would never drink again. I was mad...

When stopping drinking, former alcoholics experience a feeling of discomfort, the result of confronting which can easily become another breakdown and a return to the former addicted state. There is no doubt that alcoholism is a disease. So how do people who quit drinking manage to find an adequate replacement for alcohol and feel like a full-fledged person again?

What problems do former alcoholics face?

People who quit drinking often have to overcome the same set of problems. However, having a clear idea of ​​the difficulties to be expected, one can properly prepare one's own consciousness for what is to come.

All the problems that people who quit drinking face to face can be roughly divided into the following categories:

1. The real problems created by alcohol are related to human physiology, the perception of changes by the body. Usually, the more "experience" of a drinking person, the worse his state of health. You can eliminate the troubles of this nature by enduring the desired changes before the onset of the desired changes or by seriously working to restore your own healthy well-being.
2. Masked problems - relate to the emotional sphere of a person dependent on alcohol. With many of them, individuals who have quit drinking meet for the first time in many years, since alcohol perfectly distracts from reality.

depressive states

The state of despondency is a completely normal reaction of consciousness to the situation. However, each person in his own way tries to find a way out of this situation. Many of us prefer home alcoholism as a solution.

People who have quit drinking have to relearn how to deal with bouts of melancholy. An excellent distraction during rehabilitation here can be walking in the fresh air, taking care of your own body and physical exercises. Yoga can help strengthen the mind and body at the same time.

What other rational ways out of a pathological state do people who have stopped drinking prefer to use? First of all, this is a regular visit to a psychoanalyst, an attending physician, or ordinary conversations with non-drinking friends. In general, in order to get out of a depressed state when refusing alcohol, it is very important to occupy yourself, benefit others, do good deeds and look for ways to express yourself.

and increased irritability

Treatment of patients with alcoholism always causes frequent bouts of unreasonable angry states in the latter. Often the roots of such a problem lie in deep childhood and come out as soon as the brain returns the ability to perceive objective reality.

Group therapy and psychoanalysis sessions are of great benefit in overcoming anger and increasing self-control for people who have said goodbye to the systematic intake of alcohol.

The cause of negative emotional well-being can serve as special biochemical reactions in the body. For example, one of the most common reasons for the emergence of angry states when refusing alcohol is excessive consumption of caffeine or overeating. Significant reduction in diet, special diets, as well as a temporary rejection of caffeine and fatty foods helps most previously addicted people to bounce back.

Sleep disturbance

Alcoholics, who were as a rule, do not feel a good rest after sleep, which they need much more than non-drinkers. It takes a lot of time and patience to come to a normal stable state.

What are the most common sleep disorders? Often the real problem for the quitter is persistent insomnia, difficulty waking up in the morning, lack of dreams, or regular nightmares. In the presence of nightmares, their realism is striking. Moreover, their plot is often tied to drunkenness.

To bring their own sleep back to normal, many people who quit drinking lean on evening physical activity, which leads to natural fatigue and, accordingly, makes you sleep better. Performing a warm-up in the morning makes it possible to charge the body with energy and quickly move away from a drowsy state.

Family problems

People who refuse to regularly drink alcohol face another pressing problem. A sharp change in one's own lifestyle often leads to inadequate perception of changes by loved ones. In fact, people who quit drinking become completely different people in the eyes of their relatives, sometimes strangers and difficult to understand.

Active communication with loved ones helps to reduce the heat and reduce all kinds of friction in the family. The formation of the image of a non-drinker takes time for family members to get used to the new "I". Visiting family counseling, Alcoholics Anonymous, groups on establishing healthy relationships in the family can help to come to an agreement.

Changing the usual social circle

Withdrawal from alcohol is expected to lead to changes in the perception of others and causes relationship problems. As in the previous case, the former addict has to adapt his comrades to a new, non-drinking image of himself. At the same time, each comrade often manifests a different, sometimes rather inadequate reaction to what is happening.

The only rational solution is to avoid contact with friends who show support in the aspirations of the former addict. Companions who instigate addiction recovery are not true friends. Therefore, former addicts try to separate "well-wishers" from other people.

Digestive disorders

As soon as a person begins to acquaint others with the story of “how I stopped drinking”, problems of the physical plane immediately replace the previously relevant ones. In this situation, digestive disorders are quite an adequate response of the body to changes. Similar processes are always felt at the physical level when parting with a long-standing addiction, whether it be caffeine, sweets, nicotine or alcohol.

Digestive problems are an integral part of the healing process. To relieve discomfort until the moment of a complete restructuring of the body, many people who quit drinking are helped by a diet based on cereals, legumes, fresh fruits and vegetables, any food rich in coarse fibers.

Difficulty thinking

After a complete and irreversible refusal of alcohol, a person has to endure problems related to confusion of thinking. Sometimes the consequence of a sharp rejection of alcohol is hallucinations, indistinct explanation of one's own thoughts.

How do former addicts cope with such troubles? The most effective help this case may be playing sports, dieting, giving up other addictions, for example, nicotine, sweets. Yoga, massage sessions, fitness and gymnastics, manual therapy can also help to come into agreement with one's own consciousness.

stressful situations

As soon as a person, it would seem, has completely managed to say goodbye to alcohol, major troubles or fatal misfortunes often arise that can make him break into drinking again. After all, before in such situations it was only possible to get drunk.

Probably, a negative emotional state against the backdrop of problems looming from all sides is the greatest obstacle for former alcoholics. But if you manage to heal a wound in your soul without alcohol once, then you will surely be able to repeat this more than once in the future. Over time, consistently moving towards overcoming obstacles only hardens former addicts and makes them feel their own strength.

If people who have quit drinking again resort to solving problems by drinking alcohol, this most often only worsens the situation even more, despite all the sadness of the circumstances.

Fighting stereotypes

Quite often, people who used to drink in the past have to find themselves in situations where it is almost impossible to abandon the behavioral stereotype accepted in society. A striking example is the organization of a solemn feast on the occasion of important event in the family of a former addict. What should a former alcoholic do if necessary to participate in a feast?

In reality, for a person who has found effective method stop drinking and have already managed to part with the addiction forever, nothing bad will happen. A person who is free from alcohol addiction can easily apply the principle of adequate replacement by using non-alcoholic beverages as an alternative.

Naturally, in order for the principle of replacement to fully justify itself, it is not enough to simply drink juice instead of wine, and mineral water instead of vodka. A whole host of secondary attributes are important. So, it is absolutely not recommended to pour water into glasses for vodka, but into glasses for wine. This insignificant trifle creates in the picture of a former addict something akin to an imitation of alcohol consumption, which is simply unacceptable.

There are a number of rules that can be applied as a simple example of the behavior of a former drinker during a feast:

• when others are drinking wine, it is worth using a different type of glass or a completely different glass, after filling it with a drink that differs sharply from wine in smell, color and taste;
• if the main alcoholic drink on the table is vodka, it is better to use a sweet, colored carbonated drink as a substitute, pouring it into anything but a glass;
• if those present drink beer from large glass mugs or wine glasses, preference should be given to mineral or sweet colorless water, absorbing it directly from the neck of the bottle.

Alcoholics Anonymous

Often, attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings is an effective barrier to relapse into addiction. Members of such organizations receive psychological assistance and themselves provide support to others on the principle of “peer-to-peer”.

As a leader at meetings, the club of anonymous alcoholics can involve a church minister, a professional psychologist, a psychotherapist, a narcologist. However, no matter how the therapy is organized, the main principle here remains the provision of mutual support from the members of the club.

Virtually every Alcoholics Anonymous club operates a program that consists of successive steps on the road to recovery. The main points of such programs are based on the following:

• recognizing oneself as a dependent, unhealthy person;
• entrusting the result into the hands of one's own spiritual power;
• accepting firm intentions to fully and completely compensate for the damage previously caused due to addiction, relatives and others;
• introspection and search for reserves for personal growth;
• conveying ideas and own conclusions to other members of the community.

How do people who quit drinking manage to resist relapses?

Even the person who regularly comes up with "how I stopped drinking" stories is in danger of relapse. What should a former addict do if he decides to drink again? The only way out in such a situation is to go through the entire path of recovery from the beginning, a full return to a sober life.

In the end, don't hurt yourself with constant guilt for allowing a relapse. Many former alcoholics view such situations in terms of gaining useful experience, which simply allows you to exclude negative aspects from your personal recovery program.

Finally

How to quit drinking for free and break the addiction forever? Each person finds his own, individual way of solving this issue. Ideal can be called only that system of getting rid of which does not force you to look for a replacement for alcohol, does not require changes in behavioral stereotypes.

To achieve a state of complete renunciation of alcohol, the majority of former addicts are helped by saying goodbye to life yesterday, feelings of their own inferiority, beliefs in the inability to achieve more. All this requires a full awareness of all the advantages of a sober life, as well as an orientation towards a bright, successful future that promises a person a world without alcohol.

Helped us:

Anatoly Alekhin
Professor, Head of the Department of Clinical Psychology and psychological help RGPU them. A. I. Herzen; MD

The end of February, 1996, a month ago I turned 16. How I was waiting for this number! I thought a miracle would happen, a prince would appear in my life or something like that. But nothing happened. I'm still the same gloomy tenth grader in black martens who desperately wants to look cool.

It's a warm spring day, we hang out in the grove. Four girls and a guy whose birthday we are celebrating. This is my first time drinking champagne - more than a sip, and not in the company of my parents.- it works magically. I feel grown up, relaxed, and I love it! After the first bottle, we start a game: we pass a match to each other using only our mouths. With each round, the match becomes shorter, and the game becomes more exciting. In the end, T. and I kiss. This is more than strange - after all, I never liked him.

Then I did not yet know that to make a person more attractive is an easy trick for Monsieur of alcohol. Soon I will be dancing in clubs and singing karaoke. Steal books, jewelry, candies and chips - just to demonstrate courage and sleight of hand. Lying is no worse than Munchausen. Get acquainted first and immediately offer sex. And also take drugs, run away from a cafe without paying, walk around the cemetery at night and drive drunk - nothing was impossible. We found each other with alcohol. And how did I live without it before?

I found a special thrill in hangovers. You drink - and the world is immediately clear, I am weightless, merge with it with every cell and gradually dissolve, as if I were not a body, but a consciousness, a pure spirit. Morning, T. and I are alone in the pizzeria, languidly polishing beer with vodka from a cold pot-bellied decanter. We love each other so much. T. is gentle as a cat, because I have money, and I decide whether to repeat the decanter. I nod to the waiter, T. rejoices.

We have a strange relationship. He is such a typical narcissist. And I, having drunk, each time announced to him that I was leaving. Brought to tears and received emotions. Then she met G. - and left forever. He was caring and loving. Got me hooked on heroin. Then I got tired, and I also left G.. A whirlwind of acquaintances and non-reciprocal loves began to spin (normal guys were not eager to meet a drunkard).

In those years, I was surrounded by many friends - a drinking buddy was easy. But it didn’t matter to me with whom to drink, where and what. I drank with strangers, taxi drivers and cops (thank you guys for not touching me, sorry I don't remember your name). I drank alone, I drank on ICQ, I drank under the radio.

I think I had depression. I didn't belong to myself, I didn't control anything, and I never knew where I would find myself the next morning. I was driven by alcohol. The body roamed uncontrollably around the city, and, believe me, it was a wild adventure. The fact that I'm alive is a miracle, I could have died a thousand times.

And I wanted warmth and peace. Happiness, simple as a sandwich with sugar. I remember wandering with a gentleman, staggering along a dark street from one tavern to another, I looked at the luminous windows and imagined how people live behind them, how early they go to bed and read Jane Eyre under the light of a night lamp. And I remember that aching melancholy - why can't I do it too? Coming home, she laid out the sofa and fell right in her clothes. And dreamed of pajamas with bears. In difficult moments, I disconnected from outside world and went inside. I imagined how I come to visit a fictitious aunt - she lives far away, no one will get to us. In a cozy little house, my aunt is frying pancakes for me, and I look out the window, there is a red mountain ash and a cat is walking. And I don't need anything else. And the aunt asks: “Pour some more tea, Yulechka?”

Alcohol was my medicine, the only remedy that reconciled with reality and gave comfort. I leaned on him like a cripple on a crutch. A sober life seemed dull. But it was worth adding alcohol, and everything flourished. I loved everyone, even myself. Whatever happens, pour alcohol into yourself, and it will be better. And then add - to make it even better, even more pleasant, even more love.

I didn't realize it would be the other way around. I remember how I went for a supplement - alone, to a gas station, because my husband was already asleep, and the shops were closed; how she drank all night, and at five minutes to nine she was already standing in front of the shop door; how she swam drunk and almost drowned; how she was ashamed of her swollen face and hated herself; how it was coded and broken; how with horror I looked through outgoing calls and messages in social networks in the morning. How I was afraid one day to wake up in prison or not wake up at all.

Hangovers were long gone. The next morning, the body did not even take water, every day my stomach hurt. I was afraid to sleep - I went to bed with the light on and the TV on. At least once a week the house is a mess, and I can't get up because my head is splitting, tremors, burned throat, fever, chills, heart and brain behave as if they are leaving me forever. The husband was not happy with this situation, threatened with a divorce. Yes, I myself already understood that the games were over, alcohol would kill me, I had to pull the stopcock. She jerked. I got it on the third try.

The first time was not easy. It seemed that all people knew my shameful secret and made fun of me, miserable. In the grocery store, I trotted through the alcohol section. Once my husband and I bought a 50-gram bottle of rum for soaking dried fruits for a Christmas cake. While we were standing at the checkout, I had a fever due to anxiety - now the cashier will wink and say: “You don’t take something, Yulia. Waiting for more tonight." What a cashier! Having met old acquaintances a couple of times, I pretended that I was not me. I didn’t see my brother for a whole year, retired from all social networks, changed my phone number and email address. I wanted to dissolve or fly to the moon.

Having licked my wounds in solitude and mentally strengthened, I realized that I was tired and no longer wanted to be ashamed. I want to come out and share my experience. So in the fourth year of my alcohol-free life, I started my blog, and every time I jump to the ceiling when it sobers someone up.

At some point, a psychotherapist appeared in my life. Together we found out that I can't express anger, say no, I don't recognize my feelings and I don’t really understand where I end and the other person begins. Sometimes I just recounted my days or the past to her, surprised that she didn't wince in disgust.

There was a feeling that, having tied up with alcohol, I received a box with broken glass at the exit, from which I had to glue a vessel. I wanted it to be beautiful and function properly. Make it so as quickly as possible, because so much time has been wasted for nothing! But I moved slowly and slowly. When despair overwhelmed, she lay down on the sofa, ate chocolate and scrolled Pinterest. Cried and freaked out. Didn't drink. The next day it got easier. I learned that the one who walks slowly will go far, and I calmed down.

Nothing reminded me of alcohol anymore: not only did I distribute glasses and glasses, I excluded all triggers, including the old playlist. I became a vegan, for the first time in my life I looked into myself, found my inner child and tried to love him. In any incomprehensible situation, she meditated. She opened the world of psychology and self-development. I drank a course of antidepressants and B vitamins. I thought, read and wrote a lot about “why people drink”, and gradually my demons began to recede.

Now I am 36. In last time I drank 6 years ago. How do I live? Wonderful. Got a cat and pajamas with bears. I don’t want to light up, offer my husband a threesome (thank God, he didn’t agree!), write to incomprehensible people and be ashamed of my actions. No more need to escape into the alcohol dope or hiding in the house of an imaginary aunt. I live here and now, a real life without stimulants, and communicate with real people. My hands hold the steering wheel and, thank God, they do not shake.

The editors would like to thank Studio 212 for their help in organizing the shooting.

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