How to be sorry. Why can't you feel sorry for a woman? Yes, women are the weaker sex.

Emily Bronte

We are all well aware of such a feeling as pity, which, on the one hand, seems to be a very good and in some cases even a necessary quality for a person, and at the same time it often betrays us, making us feel sorry for people who absolutely do not deserve any pity. . Or there are even worse situations when a person feels sorry for himself and thus indulges his weakness, looks for an excuse for his failures and shifts responsibility for them to other people. Such pity, no doubt, is to the detriment of a person. And here the question arises - how, in fact, to distinguish useful pity from harmful, and how to suppress this harmful pity in yourself? Here, in this article, let's answer this and some other, also very important questions related to the feeling of pity, and at the same time find out what pity is.

First of all I will give short definition pity, so that we all perfectly understand what we are dealing with. Pity is a feeling of discomfort, which manifests itself in the form of condescending compassion, condolences, mercy, sadness, regret. We can experience this feeling both in relation to ourselves and in relation to other people. I would also say that pity is one of the forms of a person’s dependence on society, this is when we are talking pity for other people. Because, pitying other people, a person partly pities himself, because at this moment he treats other people the way he would like them to treat him when he finds himself in the same situation as they are. And the fact that we or other people need pity in certain situations, and nothing else, we not only and even not so much understand as we feel. After all, where did we get the idea that people need to be pitied? We feel it, right? We not only know about it, but we feel that people in this or that situation need to be pitied, because from time to time we ourselves feel the need for self-pity. Is it good or bad? Let's figure it out.

Pity for others

To begin with, let's look at pity for other people with you in order to understand when and why we pity someone and where this pity leads us. Usually we proceed from certain ideas about good and evil, about good and bad, about right or wrong, when we do something, in this case, we pity someone. Also, we impose the situation in which the other person found himself on ourselves, and thus, pitying him, we seem to pity ourselves. That is, we proceed from the fact that in a certain situation a person needs to be pitied, namely pitied, not cheered up, not ignored, not something else to be done with him, namely pitied. Therefore, finding ourselves in exactly the same situation, we expect that we will also be pitied. And what happens to us in the end? And what happens is that in some situations, our pity really benefits both ourselves and the people we pity, while in others it harms them, and us, or only us. Well, for example, you felt sorry for your child, who fell, say, from a swing and hit hard. He is hurt, offended, he needs support from you, which you can give him in the form of pity. He wants to be pitied, and you do. And when you feel sorry for him, you thus show him your love and care, which strengthens his trust in you and lays in him the seed of love for other people, first of all for you. That is, when we pity someone, we show this person that we are not indifferent to him, and in some cases we let him know that we love him, that we sympathize with him, that we share with him his pain, suffering, resentment and etc. In such situations, pity is very useful. Kindness itself is very useful - it makes us human.

So we need to be able to feel sorry for people, even if not all and not always, but in general we must be able to do this, because this is a very useful skill. After all, many people need pity, especially children, who expect it first of all from their parents. But many adults also love to be pitied. People expect pity from others, they often count on it, they look for it. And if you can give them this pity when it is required, you will enter into their confidence, which sometimes, you will agree, is very important for establishing useful connections. If you are a ruthless, cold person, indifferent to other people, not doing anything good for them, then you are unlikely to be able to enlist their support when you need it. Few people are eager to help those who themselves never help anyone. So pity, as one of the manifestations of kindness, in this world has its price. Although often people take advantage of our pity, in the most ruthless and immoral way. They can manipulate us with it or just be ungrateful that we took pity on them. It is what it is. I am sure you have come across such people who spat in your soul in response to your pity and kindness. However, because of people like this, we should not think that our pity is our enemy. This is not true. Our pity can also be our ally, helping us to establish warm and friendly relations with many people, especially with those who are commonly called normal people. Therefore, it is not worth worrying too much about the problems that you have because of the manifestation of this feeling. You just need to start controlling it in order to understand who and in what situation you should feel sorry for, and who should be treated coldly and with indifference. Now, let's turn our attention to this.

What is important to consider here? It is important to always consider your benefit, first of all in the medium and long term, in order to understand what your act, that is, your manifestation of pity in this or that situation, will lead you to in the end. Let's say you took pity on a person and did something nice for him. And it doesn't seem to do anything for you. The person has disappeared from your life or continues to live as he lived, not considering it necessary to somehow thank you for your help, for your kindness. And now you think that you took pity on the person, but there is zero sense in this. And you may start to regret your actions. Still, what can I say, not always and not all of us are ready to do it completely disinterestedly. But don't jump to conclusions. Everything is not so obvious here. Firstly, as you know, they don’t look for good from good, and if you took pity on someone and helped someone, then you shouldn’t think that this person now owes you. Pity and kindness, these are not things that need to be traded, although people manage to do this too. And secondly, if we talk about the benefits, then how do you know when and in what form you will receive it? That is, how do you know in what form your good will return to you?

Understand that the effect of one or another of our actions is always much larger than what we can see and understand, and therefore it is much more difficult to evaluate it. In addition, this effect is stretched over time and you never know what your act will eventually lead you to in the long run. When you feel sorry for another person, even an ungrateful one, you show yourself as a person, as a person, not only to him, but also to other people who form their opinion about you based on your act and according to their beliefs and values. That is, by your act you tell other people what kind of person you are. And when a certain opinion is formed about you, as a rule, positive, because kind people are loved, even though they are not always respected and appreciated, but they are loved, then all normal people know that you are the person who it makes sense to help, suggest, who can be pitied if you need it. Therefore, even if not the person whom you took pity on and whom you helped will help you in return, but many other people, knowing about your good deed, can do it for him. In addition, some people do not thank immediately, but after some time, when they have such an opportunity. You, I repeat, taking pity on a person, showed him yourself, you showed that you can be humane, and this, whatever you say, inspires confidence. Thus, by helping other people, including pitying them, you can earn yourself a good reputation - a reputation as a normal, sympathetic, good man. That is, you make a name for yourself with your good deeds, which, as you know, can work for a person all his life.

Of course, any, even the most kind and honest name can be defiled, denigrated, discredited. But, you know, friends, when you yourself personally know well a person with whom you have dealt many times and who never let you down, did not deceive you, did not use you, but, on the contrary, helped you, you will never believe in any filth that his ill-wishers will spread about him. Therefore, if you took pity on someone, someone who really needed it and deserved it, then be sure that he will most likely begin to think very well of you and will never believe someone who will speak badly of you. So from this point of view, showing pity in those situations when you need to help a person, support him, restore his faith in the best, faith in himself, and not think about how beneficial it is for you right now, can be very beneficial. In the future, your past actions can help you very well. People, whatever they may be, for the most part, still try to reach out to good, kind, normal people who you can trust and rely on.

But, not everything is as simple and beautiful as we would like. If our goodness always returned to us like a boomerang, we would all be very kind and would constantly help each other and pity each other. However, in real life a good deed, a good deed, is not only not always rewarded, and sometimes punished, but is not always a good deed and good deed. You may be mistaken in thinking that by pitying this or that person, in one way or another, you have done a good deed. Our pity can turn out to be very harmful, and therefore, as I said at the very beginning, we must be able to distinguish it from useful pity. Let's take another example of pity. Suppose you feel sorry for someone, for example, the same child, while trying to save him from pain, not letting him on the same swing from which he can fall, trying to shield him from difficulties, relieving him of hard work, for example, while studying, protecting him from fear, protecting him from unpleasant information, from suffering, and also protecting him from meeting bad people, from your point of view, and so on. So, with all these prohibitions and excessive concern for your child, you prevent him from fully developing, gaining useful life experience, preventing him from overcoming difficulties, preventing him from learning to get up after a fall. That is, such an excessive, inappropriate, wrong pity prevents a person from becoming stronger. This, of course, harms him, and it is especially harmful for a child who needs to learn to live in the real world, and not hide in the “greenhouse” you created for him. Do you understand what is the problem here? We must be able to fall and we must be able to rise, and we ourselves, without outside help, in order to be as adapted to life as possible. And this needs to be learned. And in order to learn this, you cannot avoid difficulties, you cannot avoid pain, you cannot protect yourself from everything that you do not like and what you are afraid of. And even more so, you can not protect other people from this, in particular children, especially children for whom it is important to learn to be strong. Therefore, the child and in general any person must suffer. You see, you must. And if someone's pity prevents him from doing this, then it simply harms him. After all, when we get used to this pity, we only look for it later everywhere, instead of struggling with difficulties, overcoming them and always relying primarily on our own strengths.

In addition, often our pity fails us, I am sure you know this very well. It happens that you take pity on a person, help him, and then he will do something bad to you in return. Let him not do it on purpose, but by inertia, for example, he will climb on your neck and ask you to help him all the time. As a result, it will turn out, as in that parable about the donkey and the bull, in which the simple-hearted donkey, wanting to help the bull, began to do hard work for him, that is, he shouldered his burden, to his own detriment. Such pity on your part will just make a fool of you. In addition, some people are known to perceive someone else's pity as a weakness and use it - pressing on this feeling in order to gain some benefit. This is a very ugly and even nasty manipulation, which is used, for example, by the same beggars who do not want to work. And we, it seems, with all our heart to the person, feel sorry for him, we want to help him, but he spoils our soul. Familiar situation, That's it. That is why it is important to understand who and in what situations deserves our pity, and who does not. Let's return to this issue a little later, below I will tell you about how to get rid of a feeling of pity, that's where we will raise it again. In the meantime, let's talk a little about an equally harmful form of pity—self-pity.

Self pity

Self-pity is a very harmful habit for a person, developed as a result of his inability to cope with difficulties, his inability to solve problems and his lack of faith in himself. It may be due to the fact that in childhood a person was pitied too much and too often, as a result of which the line between the manifestation of his parents' love for him and the very excessive concern for him, which I wrote about above, was simply erased. That is, excessive concern for a person - went to his detriment. In such cases, they say: “If you want to destroy a person, start pitying him.” And I would clarify - if you want to destroy a person, pity or pity him. That will be more correct. And in the end, what happens is that a person is used to pity, he does not perceive his weakness as something wrong, abnormal, unnecessary for him, which he needs to get rid of, but instead he can even enjoy it. So, from a seemingly noble act, pity can turn into one of the forms of a person’s dependence on external circumstances and other people, with which a person can live all his life. After all, it is always easier to justify your weakness, laziness, stupidity, your mistakes than to correct them. And in order to do this, you need to feel sorry for yourself, make yourself a victim of circumstances in your own eyes, and, if possible, in the eyes of other people, so that they pat on the head and wipe the snot. All this, of course, is very touching, but not useful.

Some people love to suffer, cry, complain about their lives, pour out their souls to someone in order to calm themselves. And you know that, sometimes, I emphasize, sometimes, they really need it in order to unload, cleanse themselves of bad thoughts, get rid of pain, from that unnecessary burden that has accumulated in their soul as a result of an unfavorable combination of circumstances and their own mistakes. But such cleansing should not become an end in itself. You can’t constantly feel sorry for yourself, just to do nothing and blame circumstances and other people for everything, and even yourself, if only, I repeat, do nothing. Pity - it is like a sting - stings right in the heart, and we ourselves do it with ourselves, we sting ourselves, we ourselves suppress our will when we pity ourselves. So you need to get rid of harmful pity, and below we will talk about how to do it.

How to get rid of feelings of pity

Well, now let's look at the most important question, probably for some of you, the question of how to get rid of feelings of pity. From the very pity that harms you and prevents you from achieving your goals. Of course, I understand very well that sometimes it is necessary to make this difficult choice for many of us - between other people's interests, other people's well-being and personal gain, and it must be done in such a way as not to be fooled, so to speak, not to lose. At the same time, your conscience can tell you one thing, and the mind another. On the one hand, you will feel sorry for the person if you don’t take pity on him, but on the other hand, you need to take care of yourself, solve your problems and tasks. So, sometimes, yes, you need to forget about pity, even when people really need it, and act in a way that is beneficial for you. Therefore, this choice can be called a choice between conscience and profit. How to make it?

Friends, let's turn on the logic with you and think, do our and, in particular, your help to those people who, from your point of view, need it, really need it? Here, suppose you took pity on a person, so what? Has the world changed for the better? This man has changed better side? Or maybe you got better? Hardly. Rather, our pity does not always lead to something good. And often no one needs our pity at all. Do you know why? Because people should be independent, responsible and strong, and not rely on someone else's pity. In addition, do not forget that you owe yourself no less than others. This is me about those cases when you feel sorry for someone to the detriment of your interests. Of course, we are taught to be altruists, taught to help other people, taught to be kind and good, so that the life of all people in general would be better. And indeed, it is impossible without this - the world cannot and should not consist of only heartless and ruthless egoists, otherwise it will be impossible to live in it. Nevertheless, no one will deny that the same evil, no matter who understands it, was, is and will be, which means that such actions that, let’s say, will go against our conscience, will not only inevitable, but they must be in our lives. In other words, no matter how much you feel sorry for other people, the world will not change much from this, as good and evil were in it, so they will be, because they should be. And you, as a human, will always remain a sinner, both in terms of "original sin" and in terms of common sense. Because you cannot always do good and right, always and everywhere do good, no matter how much you want to. Because life cannot consist only of good, it must also contain evil, otherwise we will not understand what good is. In that case, why don't you do what your mind tells you instead of trying to be what you think you should be? Why do you feel sorry for people in situations where it makes no sense? If you do not take pity on a person in a situation where it is not beneficial for you, you will not become worse because of this, you will simply do something for yourself, and not for this person. And as I said, you owe yourself no less than others, and perhaps even more.

In addition, as I said - your pity, like your help, in reality, no one needs in most cases. In some situations, you will think that by pitying some person, you are doing good, but in fact you can harm him by indulging his weakness, laziness, stupidity, irresponsibility, and so on. Do you understand what I mean? For example, the same beggars do not always need to be served, because by doing this you only help them to remain poor, because they do not need to work, they do not need to do anything useful for society and themselves, because good people will still give bread. And why does the world need such people who do not want to do anything? Think about it, think about the meaning of your pity and excessive kindness. After all, all your decisions and actions depend on the attitudes that are in your head, and, believe me, they are not always correct. To understand that pity, even for yourself, even for others, is not always appropriate - do not put yourself in front of a choice between good and evil, put yourself in front of a choice between two or more evils. Feel the difference? Our good deeds are not always good and right. So I repeat - choose between two or more evils, and not between good and evil, choose between your various right actions, and not between right and wrong. So it's easier not to pay attention to the voice of conscience, which makes you feel sorry for others, including to the detriment of yourself, and including to the detriment of those you pity.

Now let's move on to heavier artillery, in our fight against unnecessary, unnecessary and harmful pity. And for this, let's pose a more cardinal question - do people deserve pity at all? In your life, what kind of people were there more, those who, if you pity them, became better, kinder, more honest, more decent, or those who perceived your pity as your weakness and climbed on you or other people who took pity on them? As you can see, I am not stating anything, but I suggest that you think about your attitude towards other people, about your opinion about them. It is quite obvious that many or maybe only some people, you know better, whom you pity, pity or may regret in the future, may not deserve this very pity. When you show pity for other people, proceed in your decisions from the understanding that these people are mostly good, kind, honest and decent, so they need to be pitied, they need help. But I know that there are people who in their decisions proceed from the fact that all people are bad, evil, vicious and they do not deserve any pity. And these people who think so have no problems with a sense of pity and conscience. Therefore, for you, friends, it is advisable, if the feeling of pity for you is really, pardon the expression, sick of it, to proceed, first of all, from the understanding that all, well, or almost all people are bad and evil, and therefore pitying them is not just unprofitable but even harmful. Because they don't deserve pity. I understand that this sounds, perhaps, not quite objectively, not quite beautifully and not quite right. But if you constantly feel sorry for everyone and do it to your own detriment, then you need such an attitude in order to simply change your attitude towards other people for the worse on an emotional level, and then you will lose the desire to feel sorry for them and help them. But I warn you that you do not need to become a ruthless misanthrope, a misanthrope. And it's not even that it's just not good - it's unprofitable. Bad, evil, cruel people who hate everyone in a row and never help anyone - often get the same bad attitude. Fierce hatred for people, as well as excessive love for them, is just another extreme, which also needs to be avoided.

Now let's turn your attention to another very important reason why people feel sorry for others. To do this, I will ask you a provocative question - is your pity for other people connected with pity for yourself? Wait, do not rush to answer it, think a little about it. You need to understand the motive behind your actions. The fact is that many people who feel sorry for others, subconsciously count on the same pity for themselves. And she, too, as we found out, is very harmful to humans. And if you want to be pitied, so you yourself pity others, then you need to solve the problem with your weakness, since self-pity is connected precisely with it. You need to hate this weakness, roughly speaking, in order to want to get rid of it. strong man someone else's pity is not needed, moreover, for him it is very suspicious, as it makes him think that someone is trying to gain confidence in him in this way. Weak people, on the contrary, ask for pity for themselves and for this they themselves can pity others. That is, the problem of pity in this case is largely related to the weakness of a person, from which he needs to get rid of. In addition, if we proceed from the idea I have indicated above that many people are evil, bad, vicious, then you can be sure that most of those whom you pity will not pity you. Think about it. After all, the less you begin to see good in other people, the less you will count on them and the less you will feel sorry for them. So do not expect pity from people, even if some of them can give it to you, and without any self-interest, still do not wait, because many of them will not pity you.

And of course, you need to learn to rely more on yourself, so as not to seek consolation in pity, but in strength, your own strength, in your own capabilities. You need self-confidence, not pity. When you are confident enough in yourself, you will begin to rely less on other people and therefore the need to help them, subconsciously or consciously counting on reciprocity, that is, that they will also help you when you need their help, you will no longer be. And if you also begin to clearly understand that your help and your pity for another person will turn out for you not only the loss of some benefit, but also certain problems, then you will no longer have any desire or any sense to regret someone and someone to help. So in order not to rely on other people - on their pity and help, just drive into your head the idea that all people, with rare exceptions, are evil and bad, and that they not only do not need your help, but also harmful, it is both for you and for them. I won’t say that this is a completely correct attitude, that pitying other people and counting on their pity yourself, and also considering that all people are bad and evil, is correct, but I repeat, in cases where a feeling of pity prevents you from living and you you cannot consciously control it, you can fight it in this way.

In general, we need pity. Without it, life in our society will become much more difficult. I believe that people need to feel sorry for each other, but only in special occasions when it's really needed. Pity helps to get rid of heartache, with its help, you can provide the necessary support to a person in trouble. In itself, this feeling humanizes people, it helps them trust each other more, helps them get through difficult times, and allows them to show love for each other. But we should not forget that we should always look at life with different sides, including from the side that shows us her dark side on which any, even the most sacred feelings, are used by some people in a very cynical, immoral and ruthless way. Therefore, pity can be both a holy and at the same time a cruel feeling that harms the one who pities someone, the one who is pity and the one who pities himself. Do not smear this feeling with one color, do not think that it can always be only harmful or only useful, or be exclusively a manifestation of weakness. Your task is to rid yourself of the extremes that you can fall into because of this feeling, so as not to be too kind or too evil. Then you can use pity for your own good, and not be led by it.

It should be noted right away that self-pity is not the same thing as anger and aggression. Therefore, pitying ourselves, we will not blame an ungrateful fate, a harmful boss, annoying colleagues. We will focus our attention only on our own Self.

First, we must accept the obvious fact that in the life of every person there are both bad days and good ones. But because of this, it is not worth ruining our usual way of life at once. If in the evening you had a fight with your soulmate, then this is not a reason to file for divorce. The day will pass, the night will come, and the next morning you will wake up with a new mood, emotions. In the meantime, let's gather our strength and go to pity ourselves.

You can choose any place for pity to your taste. It can be a bench in the park or a secluded place in the apartment. But don't be impulsive. If a quarrel occurred at two in the morning, you should not run out alone on a deserted street, where it rains like a wall. Do not put your health and life at additional risk. If there is nowhere to hide, go to the bathroom, close the door and turn on the water.

But when the session of pity is transferred to the room, it is desirable to add musical accompaniment. It can be a sad and calm melody. Or the sounds of nature. It is important that you are on the same wavelength with music. Prepare a handkerchief for tears, remove the remnants of makeup, sit on the sofa or on the bed and prepare to feel sorry for yourself.

It is worth noting that, like any other session, a session of self-pity is limited in time. It is forbidden to spend a day or two on it or spend it too regularly. Set a limit. Let's say it's an hour. This hour is yours, but after 60 minutes you will clean yourself up and continue with your normal daily routine.

Now the process itself. Embrace yourself with your arms or take the position that is most comfortable for you. Most often, people intuitively take the position of the embryo. While stroking your shoulders, start crying and talking to yourself. Ask yourself, “what happened, why am I so sad?”. And, without hiding, tell yourself about the sore. Of course, mentally you have already scrolled this monologue in your head more than once. But it is important for you to translate it into a dialogue. As mentioned above, beware of manifestations of aggression, anger. Do not criticize other people, do not scold your fate. It is important.

If you find it difficult to conduct a dialogue with your own Self, take in your hand a photograph of the person closest to you. It is possible that he is no longer alive. And start talking to him. Imagine that he is sitting next to you, and you are telling him about your problems. Mentally feel his answer, emotions. Remember those days when he was with you. But do not reproach fate for the fact that she took away from you and him. It is the past that you cannot change. Make peace with him.

Now it is quite obvious why people are so negative about the pity that is directed at oneself. Because the line between the right pity and a nervous breakdown is very thin. Without a stoplight, you risk only making things worse. Remember this.

Finishing your dialogue, 15 minutes before the X hour, begin to smoothly exit this state. Voice positive things. Let's say "today my husband yelled at me, but yesterday he gave me a box of chocolates for no reason." Or “there are problems at work, but I always wanted to do this business and knew what I was doing.” Now switch the sad music to a more cheerful one. Close your eyes and smile. Equalize your breathing. And ask yourself, “what do I want”?

Of course, you should not immediately say “car, apartment, cottage”. No. You felt sorry for yourself, now it's time to reward such a cute creature with something tasty. Do not take this "children's talk" with hostility. For a moment, take off the jacket of a leading manager, director, chief accountant. You are a child who has been upset. The session of self-pity must end on a positive note. Eat a chocolate bar, drink a glass of wine, take it in your hand interesting book. But for today, pity is over, do not return to it. And even more so, do not turn a chocolate bar into a kilogram cake, and a glass of wine into a bottle of vodka. As always, everything must be in moderation.

And just because most people still haven't learned how to feel sorry for themselves properly, we lose another opportunity to get rid of internal negative energy. So pity yourself. Not often, but not infrequently either. Depends on a situation. And most importantly, pity yourself properly.

Have you ever been in a situation where you felt sorry for someone close to you? Maybe you are reading this article now because you are experiencing a pity to your partner or spouse? And you don’t know what to do, to part or, having gathered all your strength, continue the relationship, because it’s a pity to quit? ..

In my practice, there are often such requests when, out of a sense of pity, the client cannot make a long-awaited decision, when it is impossible to say “no” to someone close, and he himself no longer has the strength to pull a “dead horse” on himself. Such real stories a pity poisons life and slows down very much important processes in relationship.

Like any other feeling, pity has different shades and meanings. Why do we have pity? What feelings can live under the guise of pity? How can pity help and harm the one who experiences it? How is pity useful and harmful for those to whom it is directed?

Article navigation: “Pity: good or bad for relationships? How to be sorry"

What is pity?

In the very definition of "pity" there are such words as compassion, condolences, sympathy. Another interpretation of pity is sadness, sadness towards something / someone.

More closely, CO-suffering is joint suffering or “one disease for two”, joint feeling.

That is, by showing pity, we seem to join the person for some time and together with him “get sick”, together we live through a difficult state for him. This allows us, as it were, to diagnose the condition of our loved one, to vividly imagine what it is like for him. And a person has a feeling that he is not alone, and it becomes easier.

Pity for another. When is pity useful?

We will not talk about a parent's pity for a child, about a person's pity for a sick animal, and so on. There is a slightly different pity, more understandable, not so contradictory.

Pity is more ambiguous in relationships that involve, nevertheless, equal partnership positions. For example, in a couple, in friendships, in relationships of adults. Eric Berne described them as the position of the Adult in relation to the Adult.

Pity is useful in the case when therapeutic support is provided, when we are “sick” together with someone, as if we are getting used to the situation of another, and thus the person is not alone in Hard time makes it easier for him to get through difficult times.

Also, out of pity, we can help a loved one financially by providing some kind of service, or by giving valuable information. And this help will really benefit him.

Pitying and helping a loved one, we look more generous in our own eyes. As a result, self-esteem grows. Sometimes it seems to us that we are more attractive to others at such moments.

The miraculous property of pity for the one who experiences it is a kind of therapy (healing) of oneself. Feeling pity and acting for the benefit of another, we become better and more whole. But it happens if you regret the right way. More on this at the end of the article.

The one who feels pity invariably gets hidden effects from it, sometimes implicit advantages (or secondary benefits).

What else happens when we feel sorry?

We, as it were, artificially rise a step above the person to whom this feeling is directed. This sometimes happens unconsciously. But we still feel it. In a more enhanced form, this flows into pride and arrogance, which, of course, is felt by the other.

A striking example is when the pity of those who serve the "poor" in the transition further enhances the contrast of their "high" position in comparison with his "low", unfortunate one. “I would never have come to this!”

And it doesn't matter that this "beggar" in this way can "earn" more in a day than an ordinary office worker in a week.

Pity preserves the relationship, however, codependent.

Case study: a girl who has already lost her love interest in her boyfriend cannot leave him, and, at the same time, cannot form a healthy union with him. She believes that he loves her deeply, and her pity for him prevents her from ending her sluggish relationship. He often bends under her, scores on himself, on his interests, behaves sacrificially. And if a victim appears in a relationship, a kind of “whipping boy”, then an aggressor invariably appears, usually in the form of a partner.

Let at first we can feel pity for a person and continue our relationship with him, but sooner or later, aggression comes to replace pity. The nature of this aggression is that we are actually angry with ourselves because we cannot afford to break off the relationship, for example, because we believe that we will hurt the person. In our understanding, he will not endure this pain, and from childhood we were taught that hurting others is bad, because after that, what kind of noble person are you?

And then we merge this anger in the form of nit-picking, irritation and other things onto a safe “receiver”, a weaker partner who will swallow it. Besides, it's "he's the cause of remorse" and "I'm wasting my life on him." After that, we may become even worse from a new wave of guilt that he is so good, and I torment him and “everything is always wrong with me.” And hello! Unhealthy relationship continues...

Pity is a substitute for love

I don’t want to say at all that feeling sorry for a loved one is bad. In the Orthodox religion of pity, compassion is given a very important place. In our Russian culture, there has historically been such an understanding that pitying a person is the same as loving him. Many people “recognize” love in this way: I regret it, it means I love it, and vice versa, I love it, it means I regret it.

But, in fact, where there is pity, there is no place for love, which is characteristic of romantic, equal, adult relationships.

We all regret in different ways. According to my observations, I can distinguish three different positions of pity:

• Pity-superiority. When we exalt ourselves over a person, we do something for him from a position from above, “from the master’s shoulder” or with the thought, “here he is poor, he is humiliated like that.” We look like a strict Parent on a helpless Child.

• Pity-sympathy. When we are on an equal footing with the one we pity (true empathy). At such moments, we feel what the other feels. And we pity the other person, not the imagined self.

The first two options are compensatory, not giving free choice in relation to oneself and another person. The third kind of pity is productive, it involves a free choice of how to treat a person, how to help him, and whether to help at all. And in doing so, we bring great benefits to ourselves and to others.

• The risk of spoiling relations with a partner irrevocably. Regretting from the position of the edifying Parent, you can increase the distance and provoke retaliatory aggression. Because, regretting, on a subconscious level, we perceive a person as “pathetic”, weak, inferior. A person subconsciously feels this, and can react with aggression or distance.

• The partner you feel sorry for may at some point feel that an unbearable burden of moral duty to you hangs on him. And the more you give him, help, regret, the more this "debt" becomes more unbearable. Sometimes, so much so that a person would rather just run away from you, because they are unable to balance the relationship.

• The illusion of one's own success and superiority in contrast. The consciousness that everything is fine with you, and nothing needs to be done beyond what is. fraught with stagnation.

• The denial of the natural course of things: the mistakes of another, the need to bear responsibility for the current situation on their own. Sometimes we think he's just unlucky. But there is this phrase: "Bad luck is a series of wrong choices."

• The opportunity to deprive a person of his sad but necessary experience, the trials he needs in life in order to cope with more complex tasks.

• The risk of being manipulated. As soon as you notice that you feel sorry, be on the lookout. This may be your weak point, a sore point, which - consciously or not - can be used by your loved one. If you don't manage your pity, someone else will. (See also the article " Manipulation in relationships and emotions»)

• Behind the mask of pity for the other in a relationship, it is easy to hide your fear of change. And behind this fear is a deeper fear: to be no longer needed, not valuable, useless. So continue to carry oppressive relationships, depriving ourselves, as well as the one we feel sorry for, the opportunity to build a truly happy relationship.

• To sympathize, to sympathize, to be on a par with a person in a certain period of time. Try to feel his condition, to understand what is happening. But come back in time, because while condoling, someone must be “healthier” so that both are not “sucked into the swamp”.
• To regret, to understand, but not to make a person “disabled” with his pity and help. Give a hungry fish or teach him how to catch it on his own? There is a difference.
• To cheer up, to believe that a person is not “pathetic”, but full-fledged, and his potential is much greater than it seems to us now. And infect him with this faith.
• To be able to say both "yes" and "no" - as an Adult with his own choice and responsibility.
• Or just step aside. Because our "no" or refusal of pity at all, can become for loved one a powerful delayed-release drug.

At the slightest hint of pity for a partner, I recommend the following:

• fix this moment inside yourself;
• Analyze what specifically caused you pity?
• What other feelings do you have for yourself and for the other?
• what would you like to do about it?
• mentally remove pity from your arsenal of feelings. How would you feel for this person if pity did not exist?

Perhaps, after you at least for a while “push back” pity for another, like a dusty curtain, something real will come in place of this feeling, the way you really want to treat a person. Maybe it will be anger. Maybe indifference. Maybe sincere sympathy. Or maybe love. And after that, you will more clearly know what to do with it next.

But if you feel that pity is uncontrollable and it’s hard for you, or you understand that pity is not what you would like to feel for your loved one, you can contact me for advice to learn how to manage this difficult feeling.

It's good when a woman supports her man and gives him confidence in himself, but, on the other hand, starting to lisp with him, she suppresses his inner masculinity, provokes the behavior of a small child in him.

Psychologists believe that all men can be divided into two categorical types:

- "iron knights" - strong-willed men who never allow anyone to show pity towards themselves;

- "little boys" - such men are always looking for a reason to complain to someone.

All women have a maternal instinct, so it is not surprising that most choose "weak" men who need support, care and an open display of love. But this does not mean at all that strong men do not need all this. They are just more shy. us in our emotions, do not show our true desires even to ourselves.

Pity is a kind of expression of psychological help to a man. And the strong usually help the weak. Hence the unwillingness of men to be pitied. So a woman shows her strength, moral superiority over a man, and this, in turn, is considered unacceptable for him. Therefore, you need to regret competently, otherwise your actions will not cause gratitude, but anger and irritation. A “real” man will willingly accept hidden manifestations of pity - help him with deeds, be careful in small things - pour tea, cover him with a blanket in a dream or hug him for no reason. But in no case do not become obsessive - this will not be tolerated by any man. Endless calls, round-the-clock empty chatter and kisses every minute will piss anyone off.

You, like no one else, know the needs of your man - maybe he likes his brush to the left or his morning coffee to be a little cool? So make it so that the man was pleased, and do not demand gratitude, because men in a dejected state sometimes do not notice anyone around them. Be patient and just be there. And if you notice that a man really needs pity, then show it with deeds, not words.

If you have chosen a weak man as a partner, then help him become strong. Do not lisp with him, and do not praise without a reason. Of course, it is also impossible to call him a loser, it is important to objectively evaluate his actions and behavior. Do not look for excuses for his failures, but rather help correct the situation. You should not blindly forgive everything and justify any, even the most ugly actions.

It is important to remain a woman next to your man and not turn into a "mommy" for him. You should be a mother for your children, but not for your husband.

And which ones are not worth it? site will tell you how to provide moral support a person in a difficult situation.

Grief is a human reaction that occurs as a result of some kind of loss, for example, after the death of a loved one.

4 stages of grief

A person experiencing grief goes through 4 stages:

• shock phase. Lasts from a few seconds to several weeks. It is characterized by disbelief in everything that happens, insensibility, low mobility with periods of hyperactivity, loss of appetite, problems with sleep.
• phase of suffering. Lasts 6 to 7 weeks. It is characterized by weakened attention, inability to concentrate, impaired memory, sleep. Also, a person experiences constant anxiety, a desire to retire, lethargy. There may be pain in the stomach and a sensation of a lump in the throat. If a person is experiencing the death of a loved one, then during this period he can idealize the deceased or, on the contrary, experience anger, rage, irritation or guilt towards him.
• Acceptance phase ends a year after the loss of a loved one. It is characterized by the restoration of sleep and appetite, the ability to plan one's activities taking into account the loss. Sometimes a person still continues to suffer, but attacks occur less and less.
• recovery phase begins after a year and a half, grief is replaced by sadness and a person begins to relate to the loss more calmly.

Should the person be comforted? Undoubtedly yes. If the victim is not helped, then this can lead to infectious, heart disease, alcoholism, accidents, depression. Psychological help is priceless, so support your loved one as much as you can. Interact with him, communicate. Even if it seems to you that the person does not listen to you or does not show attention, do not worry. The time will come when he will remember you with gratitude.

Should you console unfamiliar people? If you feel enough moral strength and desire to help, do it. If a person does not push you away, does not run away, does not scream, then you are doing everything right. If you are not sure that you can comfort the victim, find someone who can do it.

Is there a difference in comforting familiar and unfamiliar people? In fact, no. The only difference is that you know one person more than the other. Once again, if you feel the strength in yourself, then help. Stay close, talk, engage in general activities. Do not be greedy for help, it is never superfluous.

So, let's look at the methods of psychological support in the two most difficult stages of experiencing grief.

shock phase

Your behavior:

• Don't leave the person alone.
• Gently touch the victim. You can take the hand, put your hand on the shoulder, relatives can be stroked on the head, hug. Watch the victim's reaction. Does he accept your touch, does he repel you? If repulsive - do not impose, but do not leave.
• Make sure that the comforted person rests more, does not forget about meals.
• Keep the casualty busy with simple activities, such as some sort of funeral arrangements.
• Listen actively. A person can say strange things, repeat himself, lose the thread of the story, and then return to emotional experiences. Refuse advice and recommendations. Listen carefully, ask clarifying questions, talk about how you understand it. Help the victim to simply speak out his feelings and pain - he will immediately feel better.

Your words:

• Talk about the past in past tense.
• If you know the deceased, tell something nice about him.

Can't say:

• “You can’t recover from such a loss”, “Only time heals”, “You are strong, be strong”. These phrases can cause additional suffering to a person and increase his loneliness.
• “God’s will for everything” (helps only deeply believing people), “Was exhausted”, “He will be better there”, “Forget about it”. Such phrases can greatly hurt the victim, because they sound like a hint to reason with their feelings, not to experience them, or even completely forget about their grief.
• “You are young, beautiful, you will get married / have a baby.” Such phrases can cause irritation. A person experiences a loss in the present, he has not yet recovered from it. And he is invited to dream.
• “Now, if the ambulance arrived on time”, “Now, if the doctors paid more attention to her”, “Now, if I didn’t let him in.” These phrases are empty and do not carry any benefit. Firstly, history does not tolerate the subjunctive mood, and secondly, such expressions only increase the bitterness of loss.

Phase of suffering

Your behavior:

• In this phase, the victim can already be given the opportunity to be alone from time to time.
• Give the victim more water. He should drink up to 2 liters per day.
• arrange for him physical activity. For example, take him for a walk, do physical work around the house.
• If the victim wants to cry, do not interfere with him to do it. Help him cry. Do not hold back your emotions - cry with him.
• If he shows anger, don't interfere.

Your words:

How to console a person: the right words

• If your ward wants to talk about the deceased, bring the conversation to the realm of feelings: “You are very sad/lonely”, “You are very confused”, “You cannot describe your feelings”. Talk about how you feel.
• Tell me that this suffering is not forever. And loss is not a punishment, but a part of life.
• Do not avoid talking about the deceased if there are people in the room who are extremely worried about this loss. The tactful avoidance of these topics hurts more than the mention of the tragedy.

Can't say:

• “Stop crying, pull yourself together”, “Stop suffering, everything is over” - this is tactless and harmful to psychological health.
• "And someone is worse off than you." Such topics can help in a situation of divorce, parting, but not the death of a loved one. You cannot compare the grief of one person with the grief of another. Comparative conversations can give the person the impression that you don't care about their feelings.

It makes no sense to tell the victim: “If you need help, contact / call me” or ask him “How can I help you?” A person experiencing grief may simply not have the strength to pick up the phone, call and ask for help. He may also forget about your offer.

To prevent this from happening, come and sit with him. As soon as the grief subsides a little - take him for a walk, take him to the store or to the cinema with him. Sometimes it has to be done by force. Don't be afraid to be intrusive. Time will pass and he will appreciate your help.

How to support a person if you are far away?

Call him. If he does not answer, leave a message on the answering machine, write sms or e-mail. Express condolences, report your feelings, share memories that characterize the departed from the brightest sides.

Remember that it is necessary to help a person survive grief, especially if this is a person close to you. In addition, it will help to survive the loss not only to him. If the loss touched you too, by helping another, you yourself will be able to experience grief more easily, with less loss to your own mental state. And it will also save you from feelings of guilt - you will not reproach yourself for the fact that you could help, but did not, brushing aside other people's troubles and problems.