How to argue with your loved one? How to argue correctly: what is controversy and the basic rules of any dispute Learn more about the opinion of the interlocutor, about his views on the problem
Effective communication cannot allow disputes to arise. It is impossible to win the argument - this is an illusion. The skirmish only demonstrates that one side is unable to compromise, while the other looks helpless. The loser in the dispute will always go to any measures, only to regain his position, to defend his position. It cannot be argued that truth is born in a dispute, even though this expression has been around for many years. Usually the products of the dispute are hostility and misunderstanding. A good communicator should avoid conflict situations at all costs. This applies not only to the dispute itself, but also to any participation in it, even as a third party. Giving preference to one, you can lose the trust of another. This postulate opens basic rules for conducting a dispute.
Dispute must not be allowed at any cost.
If you want to be victorious in conflict situation, then you need to change the opinion and position of the interlocutor. This is the only way to achieve success in the dispute. But an effective dialogue can abruptly turn into a different direction, turn into a skirmish. We need to restrain our capabilities, not lead to an aggravation of the conflict.
Sometimes it is impossible to get away from the argument, since the involvement is spontaneous, independent of the communicator. In this case, it is worth smoothing the situation, reducing the intensity of passions. An effective communicator can not only moderate an opponent's ardor, but also help him save face in a conflict situation. At the same time, the communicator is able to convey his own thoughts and ideas to the interlocutor. In order to competently promote your attitudes, to create a calm discussion, you must use the second paragraph, which is included in the rules for conducting a dispute.
Learn more about the interlocutor's opinion, about his views on the problem
You should never hurt your opponent, underestimate his self-esteem. This can lead to negative consequences. Your thoughts should not be imposed, you should not interrupt your opponent and forcibly promote your own opinion to him.
The advantage of "reconnaissance activities" is not only the ability to assess the situation. The opponent, expressing his thoughts, gradually calms down, his aggressiveness and excessive emotionality disappear. The interlocutor ceases to perceive the communicator as an enemy. And if you ask additional questions to clarify the situation, you will be able to better understand all the claims that are made against your position on the issue.
Do not forget, until the interlocutor speaks out completely, until he voices his thoughts in full, then he will not listen to you. He is psychologically not ready for this yet. For effective communication, you need to prepare the ground so that your own ideas are better rooted in the mind of the opponent.
The interlocutor must understand that you value his ideas and position
A good communicator is able to turn any dispute into normal productive communication. To do this, you need to show that you listen to the opinion of the interlocutor, that his position is important to you. When your opponent has fully explained his ideas, do not rush to express your thoughts.
- To begin with, you need to ask clarifying questions so that the opposing opinion becomes more understandable and transparent.
- Then it’s worth making it clear that you not only respect the opponent’s position, but also reflect on it. If you demonstrate your interest, you can convince your opponent of the value of his ideas. If you think about it, it means that he definitely said something significant and interesting. Conversely, too quick a response can be seen as disrespectful and lack of interest in the opposing opinion.
You can not strive for the complete defeat of the opponent
Losing in an argument is a serious blow to reputation, which can subsequently negatively affect the productivity of communication. You should not wish your opponent a complete collapse, let him "save face".
A dispute can be compared to a battering ram, a collision. But this clash should not look like a conflict. A competent debater does not give rise to hostility, does not show that he intends to completely crush the interlocutor in the dispute, to crush him. Otherwise, you will lose the opportunity to establish contact in the future. Either you choose to win a single dispute, or you prefer to continue to communicate productively and cooperate with your opponent. It is impossible to get everything at once.
Each participant in the dispute has arguments and positions that are insignificant. A good communicator knows how to sacrifice these arguments to please the opponent. It is better to give up positions in minor issues, but to strengthen in more important aspects. It is worth recognizing the correctness of the interlocutor in the details. Without these concessions, even the most constructive dispute turns into a massacre, into a desire to completely destroy the opposite opinion. positive result from such a skirmish will definitely not. Effective communication does not share such categoricalness.
Keep a low profile and choose precise definitions
The rules for arguing and polemics assume that the communicator will be calm and reasonable.
Arguments may not always be complete and sufficient. To consolidate a position in a dispute, a person can deliberately exaggerate their significance, force the interlocutor to listen to his own opinion. To do this, in the midst of a dispute, we can raise our voice, interrupt the opponent, and turn to rudeness. Naturally, such measures will cause irreparable harm to further effective communication or completely exclude its possibility.
Use a third party
The very situation of the dispute is initially unfriendly atmosphere. The interlocutors do not perceive the polar position, they are skeptical about it. This means that they perceive the opposite opinion worse, they will not listen to a position that is different from their views. But the arguments of a third party that is not involved in the conflict will carry much more weight. Because of the lack of hostility, these arguments will be better received and understood.
Also, the use of a third party will be useful in maintaining the self-esteem of the opponent. Your thoughts and ideas will be voiced, conveyed to the interlocutor, while he himself will not suffer. If a third party is an authority for your opponent, then this greatly simplifies the task. An effective communicator can use his person as a third party, who will convey the necessary thoughts to the opponent, while the connection between the communicator and the third party will not be visible.
Let the interlocutor save face in a dispute
The basis of the dispute is the objection. In any case, when the dispute did not turn into a squabble. Most often, it is with the objection that the dispute begins.
As soon as a person sees an objection, he must decide how to proceed. You can immediately translate the dialogue into the mainstream of the dispute, put up your own argument. Another option is to use the objection for your own purposes, a non-linear effect. Each objection has its own reason, which the communicator must find out.
- lack of necessary information;
- the conflict of the reconstructed picture of the world with reality;
- unwillingness to lose position in a dispute;
- other personal reasons.
If the opponent insists on his opinion, if he is firmly convinced of it, then it will be quite difficult for him to deviate from his views. In the heat of the conflict, he will use all possible methods to emerge victorious. The basis of this behavior is the fear of losing face, the unwillingness to realize that one is wrong.
You can take the argument to another plane. But for this, the communicator must understand why the objection arose, what caused it. The rules of the dispute state that a competent discussion can not only convey a different opinion to the interlocutor, but also save him from having to fight with his last strength. An experienced communicator can help the interlocutor pay attention to a different point of view.
If you correctly analyze the origin of objections, you can help your opponent maintain the status quo. So the communicator will be sure that further business communication will not stop because of one dispute. And the result of the controversy will be a skillful change in the opinion of the opponent for their own purposes.
In order for an objection to disappear, it is necessary to determine the cause of its occurrence and eliminate it. If the reason for the objection lies in the lack of information, then simply provide it to the interlocutor.
- I understand your point of view, but pay attention to the facts that you did not know.
Also, effective dispute rules help to reach an agreement if the communicator identifies errors in the views of the opponent on his own.
- I would also come to this opinion under the influence of similar circumstances.
- At first I thought so too, but after receiving more information, my opinion changed.
Another way to avoid destructive controversy is to show the opponent an acceptable way out of the dispute that will not affect his reputation and the status quo. First, you need to study in detail all the features of the interlocutor's opinion, to determine the points of tension. Then just show him how to leave the argument without losing face. This method uses all of the above rules, but it can help get out of a crisis situation with the least loss for both parties.
Disputes, debaters, trolls and just dissatisfied citizens. A lot of them are divorced now. How to be? Listen - dissatisfied, that is, something is missing. So there is a disadvantage.
Wrangler is not someone who has a different opinion. This is the one who lacks energy and, noticing your strength, confidence and joy, tries to replenish it at your expense. He doesn't want to prove his truth, he wants to eat. This is hunger.
Aggression is hunger
You carry the strength of your confidence, creative energy, hope for the future, yours and your children. And his task is to shake, bring down this confidence of yours, make you doubt, argue and defend your opinion. You invest in your beliefs and opinions vitality, which you will lose exactly as much as the uncertainty the debater could sow in you.
Remember, statements are never absolutely right. This is just a sketch of the development you need. This is your hope, your vision of the situation. You feel that you are right, that what you say is correct and you carry this awareness in yourself as a possible future, as a seed carries a future flower.
But then a dissatisfied one arises and begins to involve you in an argument. If you realize what exactly they want from you, it will be easier for you to resist the disputants:
Perhaps they want to deprive you of a sense of confidence. The pathological debater is very pleased with the realization that he instilled uncertainty and the person began to doubt himself and his beliefs.
Perhaps the person wants to use your energy to promote their idea, using your confusion, embarrassment and anger in response to his statements.
How to behave during an argument
If you watch and realize in time that a constructive discussion turns into a useless and aggressive argument, you can stop it. Leave the troll hungry, and in particularly aggressive cases, the best choice is to block the user.
So, how to stop the dispute that has arisen?
Let the debater stay in his reality. Tell yourself - this is his reality, he chose to live in it with such convictions. This is his right. I do not take someone else's, I do not give my own.
In fact, it is. The disputer casts his opinion as a bait to you, this is a piece of his energy with which he feeds his reality. If you take the bait and start arguing, then this contribution to you becomes quite justified. But if you don't take anything and don't give anything, then there is no outflow of energy. Everything, the situation is over.
Let yourself go your own way, into your future, without spilling it to please the hungry ghouls. They cannot create their own, greatly interfering with you. Otherwise, they would not be looking for energy donors.
The one who is right will never win in an argument. Only those who know how to argue can win. Therefore, it is critically important to learn how to properly discuss, while not offending your interlocutor. Most do not know how to do this and do not even want to learn, preferring a fight with fists rather than an adequate argument. But an educated person is always ready to defend his point of view without screaming and waving his fists. To figure out how to argue correctly, we recommend reading our article.
Every self-respecting person should get rid of the classic concept of “argument”, when two friends or strangers, after drinking a couple of glasses of wine, begin to argue loudly and noisily about politics. Truth will never be born in a dispute, but in controversy - yes. talking in simple terms, controversy is a kind of the same dispute, but on more highly intellectual topics and much more organized.
It is always difficult to argue with people, especially if you want to do it culturally. You never know what to expect from your interlocutor. That is why you need to be very careful not to find yourself another enemy. Thanks to the observance of small rules, you can not only find a friend, but also learn a lot of interesting things. But you really need to know them by heart and use them at every opportunity.
Rule One
Decide in advance what you want to take away from the discussion. It will be great if your opponent does this too, and it will be even better if your goals are the same. Try to really seek the truth during the debate, and not just express all the negativity to your friend or acquaintance. Sometimes it can be very difficult, especially if a competitor starts to behave aggressively. But always try to stick to your original position - to find the truth. It is difficult, but only in this way can one learn the art of arguing correctly.
Rule Two
We are all people, each has its own consciousness and understanding of things. Therefore, even before the controversy, talk with your opponent and find out if you correctly understand the interpretation of the terms that relate to your dispute. It often happens that people literally gnaw at each other's throats, although they simply perceive certain concepts differently.
Rule Three
If you really want to get to the bottom of the truth, then in the course of the conversation, decide for yourself what you disagree with and what you are not qualified for. Be sure to tell your opponent about it. Most people don't want to admit that their opponent is somehow better than them in some way, especially when arguing with a girl, but it's still the only way to find the truth.
Rule Four
Decide for yourself that you do not want to win and rise above the other. When people argue just to win, they will never find the right answer to a question and instead end up with frayed nerves and a bad mood. Therefore, decide for yourself what is more important.
Rule Five
In no case should you call names, swear and behave uncivilized. In this way, you will turn the controversy into an ordinary chicken coop, where everyone is ready to beat each other, just to prove that he is right. Practice shows that after scolding, opponents completely forget what they were arguing about. Their main goal is not even to prove their case, but simply to be rude to their interlocutor more than the second interlocutor can do it.
Rule six
Conducting an argument is a normal conversation with a person. It often happens that opponents deviate from the essence of the matter, begin to touch on completely different topics that are clearly not related to the chosen issue. Always try to take the conversation back to where it all started. Otherwise, you run the risk of forgetting about the dispute and never returning to it again. Then how can you find the truth?
Rule Seven
A harmoniously completed dispute leaves a positive impression on all participants. Gently sum up the conversation (what you came to), shake hands and quietly disperse. Or order a cup of coffee and sit peacefully in a cozy atmosphere. It's really much better than yelling at each other and wasting your nerves.
Despite the popular belief that you should not argue with your elders, this is not always the case. Of course, if you want to quarrel with your grandmother for the only free seat in the car, then you really better keep quiet. But if this is a highly qualified specialist who has something to do with what you are studying, then a decent discussion here is quite a place. Just be careful, because older people are very sensitive to criticism. If you are not confident in your abilities, then it is better not to start in order to remain polite and an educated person, and not an "illiterate booby", as your older touchy opponent may call yours.
Carried away by the argument, do not forget that your goal is to get to the bottom of the truth, and not to humiliate the interlocutor. Do not get personal, do not allow yourself impartial statements about mental abilities your buddy. You should not enter into an argument with a knowingly wrong opinion and defend your point of view solely in order to humiliate the interlocutor. If you are a skilled speaker and deftly manipulate arguments, you will probably succeed, but such an act will badly affect your reputation.
Wording Accuracy
Make sure both you and your opponent know the meaning of the terms you are using. Otherwise, by the end of the evening, you may find that you have bet for several hours, although your opinions coincide.
If you do not understand the statements of the opponent, do not hesitate to ask him to rephrase in other words.
I know that I don't know anything
It is impossible to know everything. Even an erudite person who has reached unprecedented heights in his profession may not know some information that does not concern him. A nuclear physicist is able to get confused in the chronology of Tsvetaeva's works, and a brilliant musician - as they are written chemical reactions. If in a conversation with an opponent you find that you have begun to "swim" in the topic, honestly admit this and direct the argument in a different direction. Or look on the Internet for information that interests you in order to continue the conversation that has captivated you.
Don't argue about something you don't understand at all. Eventually it will come to the surface, and you will make a fool of yourself.
cunning adversary
Playing with words is quite easy, especially if the interlocutor is good-natured and somewhat. If you come across a clever opponent, you yourself may not notice how he will turn your words inside out, and in the end he will be right, and you will not. Pay close attention to your opponent's reasoning, and if you notice that he is starting to interpret what you said incorrectly, feel free to correct him.
Victories and defeats
You have finished arguing, and now it has become clear whose opinion turned out to be correct, who won and who lost. If you were right, do not rush to rejoice violently and in every possible way demonstrate superiority over the interlocutor - this would be wrong. Better thank him for the discussion, say that his hypothesis was quite interesting (if this is not flattering). If you lose, do not be offended and do not show dissatisfaction, but admit that you have learned new information from the dispute.
